Wednesday, January 28, 2009

When my kid grows up, I want him to be a drag queen.

From time to time, a little less often than I get requests to sew darling flannel baby outfits for full grown men, I get requests to whip up darling sequin encrusted outfits for other adults to dress their small children in when they shove their progeny into beauty pageants.

My answer is always no. Straight up, I know I can make a lot of money sewing up those mounds of fluff, no.

Not that the little dresses and talent outfits wouldn't be fun. They are fun. It's like creating and wearing Disneyland, Lego-land and Universal Studios all wrapped into one. Disneyland doesn't show Captain EO anymore though, I'm sad to say.

It's a no because it's damned creepy.

I once entered my oldest child in my hometown's annual town celebration baby contest. If you had a baby, and lived in the town, it was just the thing you did and the script you followed. I didn't know I had to present my spawn like a Christmas present, in glittering paper with a giant curly bow. The other parents knew this. Those babies drooled on Baby Gap, spit up on Baby Jordan's, leaked on Baby Vera Wang and gnawed on little Baby Kate Spade handbags. I dressed my kid in hand me down overalls without a label. Baby Podunk...and please kid, whatever you do, don't projectile vomit.

My kid...yeah, he WON.

Which means he won because his genetics happened to merge well when he was an infant. There was no talent portion because that might have been his ability to heed my warning and keep the contents of his stomach hidden from public view.

What kind of skill is there, what kind of pride is there, when you have to cover your child in so much fluff and stuff and hair extensions and mascara that little remains of the child at all?

Where is the dignity in it?

I haven't entered any of my other children in contests of that sort since. I "lost" that script. Happily, the town contest now only allows it's entrants to wear plain, boring, white onesies to the judging. There ain't a sequin or a lettuce edge in sight. If my kid is cute, if my kid is well behaved, if my kid is speshul, my kid will still have all those qualities covered in mud and wrapped in a dignified tarp.

And if Mommy is lovely and well behaved and equally dignified she won't insist the kid put Vaseline on their teeth whilst wearing the tarp. There might even be a college fund later.

I'll make a muddy tarp for your kid for thirty bucks plus shipping and handling. All income will be put into my kid's college fund.

If he's still projectile vomiting in college you can have a refund.

1 comment:

  1. Oh, just a thought, but my youngest now goes to errrrrr college and his projectile vomiting is an art form,,, one that i dont want to see. So likely yours will projectile vomit in college,,,just saying. So u might want to cancel that refund policy.

    I totally agree, dressing infants up for beauty shows is creepy.

    But i am thinking that i should order a lego outfit for me. What colour tights would one wear with a lego outfit? Oh, and do i get to wear fuzzy bunny slippers with it too?



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