Monday, February 23, 2009

Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto.

When I began watching the red carpet coverage on last night's Oscars I didn't expect to be so stunned. The imagery has stayed with me up until this morning. In fact, I haven't been able to keep my mind on anything else.

I have hyper-focus and I've targeted Mickey Rourke.

Mickey, I can clearly see that you are the man and I suddenly love you.

Give me a moment. I'm besotted.

Ahem. Alright, I'm finished.

Otherwise, it's my pretense and my pleasure to bestow upon Hollywood the Absent Minded Oscars Best Dressed and Worst Dressed awards.

Again we've got fitting issues this year. This time it wasn't so much around the boob area but instead female attendees insisted on cinching in their waists to the point where if they had farted it would have made such a noise that the entire Oscar audience would have dropped to the floor and covered their heads.

Put the gun down Sarah Jessica Parker!

And we've cinched in about our legs and gone a little fishy smelling with our mermaid gowns.

Put the haddock down Beyonce!

On a less uptight note, I thought there were three standouts to our best dressed, barring the men and Mickey Rourke. After getting misty over gorgeous new comers Taraji P. Henson and Frida Pinto, no one even came close to an ethereal Anne Hathaway.

Sigh, it's sparkly, but yet it doesn't upstage her perfect skin. Classic, classic, classic.

With that vision out of the way, time to pucker up again and get onto the worst dressed. I wasn't able to find found a photo of a dumpy Whoopi Goldberg, Tilda Swinton trash bagged it yet again, and I'm forgiving the parade float look of Miley Cyrus because of her age. The worst dressed this year goes to Sophia Loren.

Oh Sophia, what's your excuse? At your age (74) you have such a lovely body and damn if I wouldn't show it off too, but this dress makes me need to pee. Had the toilet paper ruffles been reduced by 50% we might have had something that didn't make us desperately cross our legs.

Good thing we ended with Sophia crosslegged or I might be tempted to go back fawning over Mickey.


  1. I gave my Worst Dressed award to Philip Seymour Hoffman. Did you see him sitting there looking like a total douchebag with a black knit hat on? What a gnome.

    And Reese Witherspoon—I couldn't understand her dress. Black and blue? Great. Sounds like a bruise, only it has mystifying construction. And Robin Wright Penn should have told Sean Penn to dab his shiny forehead before it blinded us all.

    Viola Davis rocked that Oscar-gold gown, and Alicia Keys presenting in a lilac gown was the most beautiful sight of the evening.

  2. You want Whoopi? Check out TMZ. They've got her. I cried. She is a trooper, that one.

    Sophia Loren has passed her "best before" date as I think she's dressing herself and needs help. I agree with Ann Hathaway.

    I thought Angelina looked pretty good. Surprising. So did That Guy Who Hangs With Her.

    Why Oh Why does Meryl Steep insist on wearing GREY? Such a gorgeous woman and she could knock out some bronze or gold or some jewel tone and she INSISTS On wearing that drab grey to EVERYTHING. ARGH!

  3. Rumour has it thats where Mickey hides his Mickey,,,u know so that when he gets thirsty he can have a shot. Either that or its a sock. U find out and let us know Becky.

    I think Sophia wore that same dress years ago, no? Well it likes like she could have if she didnt.


  4. Okay, male point of view: SJP did a great job of showing off her lovely Golden Globes. Goldie Hawn - not so much.

    There you have it.


  5. SJP almost had a nipple slip. One of the dancers during the nominated songs DID have a nipple slip.


    Time to go link a Whoopi.

  6. Here, this is for you ... I said TMZ and it was supposed to be Perez ...

    So I got it for you!


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