Wednesday, February 11, 2009

A post in which I display my sweet disposition...

Have you met my elephant? How rude of me not to introduce you all to it since it's lounging about in the middle of my room.

I'll call her Esther.


Esther the Estrogen Elephant.

Or lack thereof.

That is, my funny only comes in fits and spurts because Esther's fat beligerent ass is always in the way. I sit down at my keyboard, stare at my screen, and wonder why everything I read is written by retards and idiots and everything I try to write is no different.

I've talked before about my perimenopause symptoms. Annoying then, to be sure, and worse now. Ugly worse. Mood swing worse. Aching boobs worse. Steaming Satan's balls worse.

My body is either begrudgingly having a period or begrudgingly recovering from a period or begrudgingly preparing to have a period. I am never relieved of being a near six foot weeping bewhiskered pimple.

Let's call my gynecologist, shall we? It'll be fun. He's affectionate. He likes elephants.

Where in the name of all that is holy did I put my phone?

Gah...I need to eat something soaked in fat.

I ain't giving Esther any. She can, in the most libido-less way possible, go screw herself.

9 comments:

  1. Did you just call me a retard or was that an idiot?

    On dont answer,,, i learned long ago to not pick on women during this time of the month.

    Erf

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  2. I feel your pain. Have a cookie.

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  3. I had a hyster two years ago. I'm pretty sure I started going through menopause immediately thereafter. My doctor keeps telling me it's impossible. I really hate when they think you don't have a clue what your body is telling you. Like we can't possibly know our own bodies! Hmphf!!

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  4. I've suffered previously from kidney stones. I went to the doc and told him I had blood in my urine. He asked me if I wasn't sure it wasn't menstrual blood. I told him I knew which hole was which.

    I once had a nurse prescribing me birth control blame my lack of libido caused by the previous form of birth control on my callous and insensitive husband. Hello...I'm getting on a new form of birth control because I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH MY HUSBAND. If he was an asshole I probably wouldn't bother.

    Um, yeah. Time for chocolate.

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  5. Huh? I don't understand any of this. Must be woman's talk.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Wait. You read me.

    Am I a retard or idiot?

    Huh?

    STRING CHEESE IS PLASTIC TERRORISM!

    Nevermind.

    Answered my own question.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I can give you the name of a good gyno. He has helped me through lots of shit. And by the way, go have that damn ovary removed already!

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  8. I loves my gyno though...and he loves me because I hop right on the table without embarrassment, open right up, and chat about the weather.

    You can come up on pap schmear day. It's in the same building I had Ryan in.

    ReplyDelete

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