Thursday, March 26, 2009

I own a bikini but I don't own a razor.

My husband Justin will readily admit to not being your typical guy's guy. Mostly because he writes poetry, doesn't own any power tools and he avoids involving himself in any way in sporting events. There is a distinct lack of beer, Nascar and golf clubs in our home.

If Justin ever shows up at a football game with a team supporting painted chest I would be well within my rights, as a concerned spouse, to Baker Act him. Or exorcise him.

He's not totally out of the man club though. He's hanging on in there by a thread.

...and that thread is tied about the hips of Valerie Bertinelli's new bikini body.

All men are attracted to Valerie Bertinelli. I wish I could cite which man law states this but I've been barred from looking at the most sacred parts of The Man Handbook. Those passages would crumble into dust in my estrogen tainted hands and then men will suddenly find themselves menstruating. So, you will excuse my irresponsible but understandable lack of sources. Menstruating men is a sign of Armageddon.

I've got to give it to Val. The thought of piercing my belly button in any state of weight makes me twinge. If I want my belly button to sparkle in the sunshine I'm gonna get crafty and Elmer's glue a piece of glitter encrusted dry macaroni in there and call it good.

And now I can lounge about assured that Valerie won't eat my decorative pasta. That's still a concern with Kirstie Alley.

Oh Valerie Bertinelli, you TV movie making tart! Why do you attract my husband so? Sorry, dumb question. The woman has perky persistence that we all could learn a lesson from.

Good thing that Valerie is on the cover of people and not Muscle Car Monthly or else my husband might have missed her entirely. What a shame that would have been.


  1. Chapter 6, Verse 32 specifically states:

    "And thou shalt hold in high regard and with many masturbatory session those who were in the cast of "One Day at a Time."

    Verse 33:

    "Thoulst shall never discuss Schneider in regards to the requirements set forth in verse 32."

    The more you know.

  2. What about Bonnie Franklin?

  3. So was it all diet and excersize or was there a little nip and tuck, too? Bet Eddy is kicking himself now.

  4. If Valerie was here right now i would perform like a downward facing dog. Then again, that might require work!

    I tend to like Justin's choose. Have u convinced him to take yoga classes with u?


  5. It's been so long since you added to Justin's tart list that I forgot about it!

    While we're on the subject of hot women we saw on TV growing up (and who are still hot now), I wonder what Justin thinks about Erin Gray. :)

  6. Bonnie Franklin? Absolutely.

  7. I like Bonnie Franklin but I really like Goldie Hahn. Those old Laugh In shows were great but could never be done today- they were not politically correct.

  8. I don't know....she looks AWFULLY good on that cover. Even if the body is real, I'm thinking it's been photo shopped to remove the flaws...


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