Friday, March 06, 2009

If I can't be Captain Kirk, I'm not playing.

How many of you are normal?

Yeah, me neither....

Have you noticed that it seems we are inundated with people asking about normal? The question of normal was asked no less than four times while engaging in my morning news regimen, from radio to television to internet. People sure seem worried about keeping up with an unquoted status quo.

Is it normal that...or is it normal if...or is it normal to...and then fill in the blank with your feelings, status, situation or the location of any body hair.

Most of the time this question can be answered with, "Get over yourself, you and your situations are exceptionally normal. Or at least, what's going on with you isn't so assbackwards that we expect to see you as a guest on Dr. Phil." Then everyone can feel better.

Just now, swear to God, the morning show on TV asked if it was normal that a three year old child was still potty training.

YES, THAT IS NORMAL! Your kid is not a genius if they've potty trained at six months old or destined to become the smelly kid in third grade if they finally get around to it at age three. You know what's abnormal? Pulling over and interrupting driving lessons to change your sixteen year old child's diaper and to give him his binky. That's really screwed up and you know it.

Driving lessons for your six month old child is abnormal as well. Impractical too. They can't reach the pedals. They gum the steering wheel instead of put their hands in the 9 and 3 o'clock positions.

I think that the "Is it normal" line of questions should be reserved for folks who know beyond a doubt that their situations are Maury or Jerry material. In this age of forced frugality most of us "normal" folk really appreciate the "abnormal" folk putting their crap out there for cheap entertainment. We must all do our part.

"Is it normal that I have a third arm growing out of my forehead and that I get acrylic nails done on this third arm?" No. Show us anyway. Oooh shiny.

"Is it normal that my mistress dresses me up like a leather pony, whips me while moaning 'Flicka! Flicka!', and then expects me to tell my wife that the marks resulted from repeatedly bumping into a door?" No. You are a freak. Take photos and post them on the Internet anyway, Mr. Ed.

"Is it normal that I learned and can speak the entire Klingon language fluently even though I've had my ears surgically modified so I can play a Vulcan in my cosplay group? I figure my skills make me useful as an operative in the Federation." No, that is not normal. Do you date much? No, I'm not asking you out. toDSaH!

I don't know about you, but I'm entertained.

But, me being entertained by a mutant klingon speaking horse fetishist, that's normal.


  1. Not me, i am not normal. I wonder why u even asked! Heck i dont even have anything close to a normal nick name.

    I am not special either,,, i walked to school! Then again, maybe they didnt have short buses when i went to school.

    Nevertheless, your blog is entertaining.

    We need to see those ^ ^ ears so we can expand our definition of normal ;)


  2. Is it normal to have your hands at 9 and 3? I always have mine at 10 and 2.


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