Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Messin' with the Ecosystem.

If it's at all possible, please, none of you come over to my house to visit this week. It's dishevelled.

I'm in the middle of Feng Shui, which isn't nearly as arousing as I thought it would be. Improve energy flows? My ass. Scooting around furniture to achieve some sort of functional yet pleasing arrangement is just as unkind to one's posterior as childbirth.

All this because I bought a TV stand, marked down from 1000 to 200 bucks, which was fated to be delivered while I was in a sodden state of undress. You have to wax philosophical after that sort of embarrassment.

To help me out I googled some Feng Shui basics.

1. Clear Out Your Clutter.
I just stimulated the economy with my two hundred dollars and you want me to spring another ten bucks for a shovel too? I didn't stinkin' get no AIG bonus.

I am not taking my Joanie Loves Chachi poster off the wall and that's final.

2. Have Good Quality Air and Good Quality Light.
I put a new bulb in the fish tank and have recently washed the family's pile of dirty socks. Fish happy. Family happy. Cat box still needs cleaning.

3. Define the Ba-Gua.
Um, excuse me?

I'm going to the gynecologist on the 30th. He can define the Ba-Gua. I'm hardly trained to do that. I'll have to call my insurance and ask if that's covered.

4. Study the Five Elements Feng Shui Theory.
Did I not Google Feng Shui basics? I want Cliff's Notes, not a surprise pop quiz.

Study reveals that the five elements are wood, fire, earth, metal and water. Hey, those are all covered in my Joanie Loves Chachi poster! Awesome! Homework is done. Now I can totally go hack my XBF's Myspace now and change his default pic to this:

Element? Wood.

5. Find Out Your Feng Shui Birth Element.
No. My ovaries have gone out of business. The unions are still protesting however.

6. Find Your Kua Number.
After I find it will I get those damned computers calling it offering me warranties on my vehicles? I haven't gotten a prank call since 2006. You know, I never felt I had a reason to ever use caller ID. Someone could totally call me to heavy breathe and I would be none the wiser to the source.

7. Always Be Mindful of the State of Your Home.
Because no one else around here does my dishes or vacuums my floor dammit. No need to screw in that point Confucious. That point's been on my mind for the last fifteen years. Every. Single. Day. As soon as you wipe up a layer of dirt you find that another layer is underneath just a waitin'. You either mind it or it grows fur and eats the children.

Eventually I'll get this furniture arranging arranged. It may take a tube of grease and a donut pillow, but it'll get done.

Hopefully sooner than later because who knows what excuse I'll have to give my gynecologist.


  1. Give Gina your phone number. I hear that she is a heavy breather!

    From what i recall, after being forced by "she who must be obeyed without ridicule or comment" (aka: my wife) to watching all the home improvement shows for the 3rd time each, with Feng Shui the water taps should not been seen from the entrance doors. So if your sinks can be seen from the doors, u must immediately move, sell that house and buy another one.

    That new furniture purchase is getting costly now, eh!


  2. I can breathe heavy if necessary ... and you only have to wax your philosophical if you answer the door without your clothing. People talk.

    BTW, you have a 15 year old. Why are you doing the vacuuming?

    Erf, your wife is watching too much tv. Tell her to come clean my house.

  3. My 15 year old can't steer the vacuum. I honestly don't know how he's going to manage to get a driver's license. He keeps sucking up the cord.

    He's in charge of garbage and catbox. Those are low tech.

  4. I need some Feng Shu but in order to get to that point I'd need Kung Fu to kick the dirty lazy people I live with into high gear to help me...

    I'm doomed.

  5. Tell the 15 year old to invent a cordless vacuum for you, ummm, I meaN HIM.

  6. He's faking you out so you won't trust him with it. If he NEVER does it right, he wins. :D Kudos to the boy! If you watch over him and correct him while he's doing it, eventually he'll get bored with having to re-do it. This shit works. Then when he's gone to school, if it's still not right, you can do it, but don't let him see!


  7. LOL @ gina,,, good plan. Why didnt i think of that. My kids could be doing the vacuuming now and not me!



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