Wednesday, April 22, 2009

I be pimpin'

Have you got money?

I have some money. Not a whole lot. Certainly my family could be doing a whole lot worse. Many are. Currently we're able to pay our bills and afford to keep our dumb gay cat.

I could always use more money though. A lifestyle change might be refreshing.

That's why I've decided to become a rapper. Yo.

Have you seen MTV's Cribs? Dayum! Homie's got granite counter tops.

Oh, you don't watch MTV? Me neither. I only scrolled past that channel to get to Bill Maher on HBO. I couldn't help but notice that those rappers had lots of stuff that I do not have and they seem satisfied about that.

I don't see any reason why I couldn't become a rapper and make a crapload of cash too. I like bling just as much as the next guy.


Wouldn't you listen to and enjoy a profanity laden rap beat about stretch marks and grey hairs? How much would you pay to watch me bust a rhyme surrounded by barely dressed booty jiggling women? Or barely dressed droopy drawered men? Take your choice with that one. Stretch marks aren't reserved to the fairer sex.

Check these rhymes, forshizzle...

Yo yo yo my skin's gots markies
Don't %##*ing look at my gut and get snarky
I don't need no %@@*ing tummy tuck
Just yank off my mom jeans and....

Well, never mind....

I'm going to make millions.

And then I'd buy a pony.

Put it in a stall outfitted with granite counter tops.


  1. Those yer lips? Change yer birth control ... that's more hair than you want up there .... takes away from yer bling ...

  2. AZ hiding in the weeds4/22/2009 12:13 PM

    Your dignity for granite counter tops, sounds like a good trade!

  3. I don't really like granite counter tops though...I just know you pay a lot for them. I don't like stainless steel appliances either. Between the dark granite and the dreary stainless steel, you'd go into the kitchen to make brownies and then you'd get depressed.

    Gina...those aren't my lips. I grow a beard but the whiskers haven't moved to my upper lip yet. BTW, I LOVE MY HORMONE PILL.

  4. Never liked rap, but would soooo buy that! And? I thought I was the only person in the world who doesn't like stainless steel appliances! They look so institutional.

  5. If I had a choice between a stainless steel fridge and my mother's avocado green fridge from the 70's...I'm taking the greenie.

  6. lol @ .... shouldnt that be ****

    Sends Beck some Mony
    To buy herself a Pony
    As long as she agrees to 'wap
    her chicken...'n ranch dressin.

    (yeah i know, dont give up my day job)

    Kids and stainless steel appliances dont mix. Come to think of it men and stainless steel appliance dont mix either,,,too many finger prints! I will stick to the basic white appliances.

    Keep writting that rap i am sure there is a big payoff in your future but not mine.


  7. Screw you all, I love my stainless steel!

  8. Somehow I tend to see you more as a French Maid than a rapper. The French Maid shot is cute but I can't imagine that one of you as a rapper would compare favorably. Please just continue as a Mom & blogger.

  9. I had you pegged as a country western singer.

    I don't know how I could have been so mistaken. Damn!

  10. I'd pay a lot. Where's your next gig? :)

  11. I'm going to be getting my beat on in the Red Garter Casino parking lot in Bendover NV, probably next week, or the next, whenever I finish gluing rhinetones on my pimp cup.


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