Wednesday, April 15, 2009

IR-frakkin-S

GET YOUR TAXES DONE ALREADY, SHEESH!

I've had my return sitting in my bank account for two months. It'll sit there until December. That's when Justin and I put on our ceremonial capes and withdraw it, Stanley Kubrick style, for Christmas.

I've said too much about that. Distract yourself with this image of Tom Cruise running.



No one blames you for not being entertained by doing your taxes. Here are some suggestions to help the drudgery pass a little bit quicker.

1. Eat Cheetos while doing your addition and then highlight any number you are disgruntled with on the paper copy of your return with the cheese spooge on your fingers. Let The Man know that it's not easy being cheesy.

2. Sign your return with the nickname you always wish you had. John "Sex Machine" Doe. John "Women Love my WOW Skillz" Doe. Jane "I Knit for Sex" Doe. Stand out from the rest of the tax paying chumps.

3. After you've itemized all your deductions take an obligatory victory lap around your block...naked. Extra points if you write "I'm the tax man!" across your chest in bubble gum pink lipstick.

4. Take your laptop to Barnes and Noble and do your taxes on the floor near the pregnancy books. Anytime a customer picks up a pregnancy book mutter something about child tax credits, two to three years of wiping poopy butts each, and that no one told this was hazard pay.

5. If you are getting that new home buying credit, wire some of that to my checking account and then enjoy the warm and fuzzy feelings of sharing your gains with others.

6. Email your Senator, tell him or her you've just paid your portion of their salary, and now you'd like a free toaster or a buy one get one free entree' coupon from Olive Garden. Oh, and by the way, there is a pothole on your street. When can you come out to fix that?

7. File for an extension and cite as reasoning, "Digestional Upset - details upon request."

8. Instead of filing your return with standard methods, video your return in the form of expressive dance. Extra points if you have a wardrobe malfunction.


Happy taxing folks...don't spend it all in one place.

5 comments:

  1. Mine has been done for about 3 weeks i just havent gotten around to taking it to the post office so they can weigh it. We get until April 30th anyways. I guess thats sort of like a built-in extention eh!

    The tax program i have creates a bar code which appears on the first page. All that the revenue agency has to do is scan it and out pops my refund cheque :)

    As far as #3 goes, a tax man lives in our block. He might object to me putting a sign on my chest claiming to be the tax man cuz he is. However, knowing him, he would just get naked and run around with me! The neighbours wouldnt mistake me for him as i am so much taller.

    Erf (waiting until dark to try #3)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I really like the signing your name tip. I'm going to try it out in cursive and if the government doesn't like it it will be all your fault. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh GOODY...Natasha has stopped by with her link directing us to a well known swinging site.

    Geez Natasha, how considerate of you!

    However, seeing that I dislike most germs and I know I really dislike the type of germs passed on by willy-nilly sexuality, I've gotta pass on your link.

    Now I'm gonna go write a new post about fluids attracting more Natasha's. Joy!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Darn u deleted natasha's link before i could see it. Spoil sport!!

    How do u expect me to keep my porn collect up to date if u just delete all the leads ;)

    Erf (the perv)

    ReplyDelete

Absent Minded Archives