Monday, April 20, 2009


Apparently everyone, their dog, and their dead grandmothers, is Twittering.

Unless you don't know what Twitter is and by the sound of it you wouldn't want to be involved in those kinds of shenanigans anyway. You tweet? Spray some air freshener for the love of God.

My 80+ year old mother in law wanted to know what Twitter is. She doesn't do computers or cell phones so the best explanation I could come up with is that she'd be sitting at her leisure, watching television, and then a ticker comes across the screen announcing that her widowed neighbor down the street "is eating pudding" or some inane thing. Then she could tweet back, "I got a perm today!" People post what they are doing and hope other people are interested.

Which I think is just silly...ahem.

I don't Twitter. I have never Tweeted. I only signed up so I could look at the thing and see how it works. This had absolutely nothing to do with CNN or Ashton Kutcher. He has a million twits behind him. Neato. I have a picture of a pony.

One reason I don't is because I'm woefully behind when it comes to a few particular hand held electronic devices. I own the most utilitarian cell phone on the planet without it resembling a brick. It doesn't text. It doesn't take photos. It's not hooked up to the interwebs. I cannot get stock quotes on it, or directions, or adult entertainment. In the past two weeks I've only used the under charged thing once to call my sister and then the connection was lousy. I'm not going to keep up with anyone's tweets...really, air freshener, now.

Another reason is that I can't just leave myself at saying what I'm really doing throughout the day. I'm cleaning dried cereal off the counter. I'm vacuuming dubious hairs off the floor in my boy's bathroom. I'm watching my goldfish poop. The pressure would be on to come up with profound thoughts on the hour so as to not appear un-fabulous. I already do that once a day on Facebook in the third person. Can't stretch my brain any more than:

"Becky thinks that strawberry milkshake whoppers are a miracle...right up there with new babies and walking on water."

"Becky is channeling the nearly dead spirit of Diana Ross."

"Becky has eaten heavily peppered meat in a was liberating."

Those all have a context, I swear.

Instead of Twitter I believe I'll invest in one of these:

...a scrolling LCD belt buckle. It'll post a message 110 characters longer than the 140 character limit on Twitter. Kick ass.

Afterall, when you declare to the world that you are eating pudding or you've gotten a perm, having it sit at your waist gives it a whole new context.


  1. You are Sweet, u dont have to tweet! Isnt tweety a cartoon bird? Shows u what i know about tweeting eh.

    I saw a car recently with one of those LCD screens flashing a message across the top of the back licence plate. I thought that was rather different. But then again it could be a big distraction especially for those ladies more interested in findng out where the latest shoe sale is instead of watching the road. Not to mention a few other ppl that shouldnt even be driving in the first place.

    The belt buckel works for me. Perhaps u could use it as an add to sell your boobs. Imagine visiting Lost Wages with, "Buy My Boobs, visit" flashing on your belt. I am sure u would get a few more offers.


  2. I am far too wordy to tweet. I can't say what I want to say in 140 characters. Not gonna happen.

    Aside from that, I've never seen the attraction in telling everyone I know and a lot of people I DON'T, exactly what I'm doing on a minute-to-minute basis. There has to be some MYSTERY in relationships! Even my husand doesn't know what's going on here every second of the day.

    However ... I do love my high-tech phone. The more it does, the happier I am. I adore knowing that if I go out somewhere and get lost, I can find a map on it and it will give me directions on how to get home. HEHEHEHE, I feel the power. Or, sit in the bookstore and decide what movie to go to over the next hour or so. What, make that decision in advance before I leave the house? DON'T RESTRICT MY LIFE! I am not a spoiled brat. Provided, of course, I can figure out how it works.

  3. Only a doof actually reports what they're doing on Twitter.

    We post links. We reply to other people's tweets. We forward tweets we like to share them with our own "followers." We complain. We share snarky observations or our (brief) takes on current events.

    Becky, you have a crapload of tweets inside you, I just know it. Your kid says something insane and it's too short to spin a whole blog post out of it, and besides, blogging takes too much mental focus? Then post it on Twitter.

    I like to be able to text a tweet from my phone. You see something absolutely insane and you want to tell someone? With Twitter and a phone that texts, you can do it.

    Plus, Ashton Kutcher and Oprah are Twitterers. Sold? No?

  4. You get points for using the word "crapload". That sold me more than anything!

  5. Becky, you really need to find something better to do in life thatn watch your goldfish take a shit. Right now I am watching a bird eat worms from my yard. That is just a little more exciting.

  6. I twittered long before they made Twittering a website online....


    Maybe that was TMI?

  7. I just post links by going to websites where I talk to people and then I .... post links ....

    I simply don't know enough people to need to do anything else. I have my family and a few people on a website I own. There's just no reason to harass them on a minute-to-minute basis with anything else. If they need to know more, they'll check in those few places where they know I go. I'm sorry. I don't get it. As for Oprah and Ashton? That's more a way to scare me away than anything although I love that Ashton gave Larry King a huge cerebral wedgie.

  8. Twitter is gobbling up the world, and with what? 'little tweets of what you are doing'.

    I'm not on twitter and I dont think (as of now), I'll get on it either.


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