Monday, May 11, 2009

I stuck a quarter in a candy machine.

It's about time that this husband I've been married to do something incredibly stupid, horrendous, embarrassing and more likely than not against our vows. It's been nearly 16 years.

I need some earrings.

They're free when you buy the apology ring.

Click to enlarge. Read it.

Justin spotted this ad in an aviation themed magazine and told me all about it. I pulled this photo from a person who scanned it out of a science themed magazine. Scientists, pilots and geeks. They've sure been known to screw up in their relationships. Always off philandering, wearing speedos and heavy colognes, manscaping.

I thought I might edit out the contact details in the ad and then I decided against it. Sometimes you've just got point out who is responsible.

The finger of responsibility is also pointing at Kobe Bryant, Chris Brown and David Beckham. Kobe's indiscretions cost him a 4 million 8 carat purple diamond ring while cheapskate Chris Brown thought his behavior was only worth 50K.

Our advertised ring and earring set will knock you back $129 plus shipping and handling. I spent more than that buying paint, flooring and new fixtures for my bathroom and no one got cheated on or assaulted.

$129 sort of limits my husband's indiscretions unless Justin wants to spend it like Beckham. That amount of apology fits if he farted in the car or didn't put away the Miracle Whip or left his wet towel on the bed. It would take quite a lot more for me to kick Justin out of our mutual bed necessitating the mail order purchase of a pink sparkly. We are talking cubic tons of saltines here, more crumbs than mattress. I'm not even sure there is jewelry worth that amount that will convince me to unbench a benched husband. Hell, I don't think an overpriced bauble priced at any amount would convince me to unbench a benched husband.

In other words, why in the hell is there advertising saying that women and wives should and can be bought, that I can be bought, with ugly paste cosmetic fluff? I thought the practice of selling indulgences ended when Martin Luther tacked his indignation to a door. I didn't know I should soften and melt when I should be angry when presented with a shiny thing.

Or flowers. Or lighting candles. You know, making up with anything that's not the meat and potatoes of what's needing apologizing for in the first place. That's like smearing paint over that crack in the wall of my bathroom without properly fixing what is causing the crack in the first place. The crack will reappear in the shiny new blue paint dammit. I love my new bathroom, I do.

But then, there are enough of my female contemporaries that are perfectly OK with this.

So out comes the finger of responsibility again. Sister? Knock it off. No doubt you are entitled to your anger, your betrayal, but you make us all look shallow. Which I resent. When you apologize for putting womanhood in that position, buying us anything, anything at all, is not necessary.


  1. i consider myself a wee bit of a feminist so i think this is wrong and it pisses me off.

    not only do i hate the whole idea of buying forgiveness, but i hate the way the advertisement immediately takes the blame off the husband by saying, "unfortunately, our 'husband nature' forces us to make mistakes." WHAT?! and dont men see that this ad is talking down to them. "oh dont worry about're just a stupid, stupid man. you can't help it."

    oh and the ring is freakin' ugly.

  2. How about a new lawnmower or a lawn vacuum, would that work better for u? Of course i am joking and hopefully u laughed.

    Note to webreaders,,, Becky cant be bought and u should like her for that!


  3. I'd like to say something deep and thought-provoking. But ... that's just stupid.

  4. I think almost all jewelry advertising is predatory.


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