Monday, May 18, 2009

Mairzy Doats.

Finally I received the results of my blood tests, which apparently indicate nothing on the hormone front, which doesn't mean anything, because their nothing could definitely mean something to my particular body chemistry. It's all mysterious and subjective.

All I know is that the hormone pills make me feel human again. Human as far as mentally human. Physically I'm still quite hairy and my beard is more lustrous than ever.

What those tests did indicate is that I should eat more fiber because my cholesterol was 200.

I asked the nurse practitioner if this meant that I should smoosh prunes into my Twinkies because damned if I was giving them up and she didn't respond. Silence means consent.

I do like prunes though. I like most foods that are chock full of fiber. Oatmeal is delicious. Microwaving a big bowl of the stuff takes me a minute in the morning. None of that instant crap either but real, honest to god, stick to your ribs, grandma ate it growing up and so should you, oatmeal. With a dab of honey.

To my husband's delight I've added more beans to my diet too.

Beans do not replace a Burger King Cheesy Bacon Tendercrisp® chicken sandwich. Sigh, smoosh a prune into it.

Not that my diet was terrible before. It could be by far worse. My diet apparently is not a good diet for my particular 34 year old body chemistry. When I was 22 it was an outstanding diet. It was a diet full of adventure. It had mojo.

Oatmeal has no mojo. It's textural dementia even if I do like it. Alas, a person can not get a bowl of oatmeal at a drive thru window with a squawking movie themed toy or without.

The other downside to oatmeal is that it does not add to feeling human. After eating a big bowl I feel like a horse. Follow me with a pitchfork. Good for the garden.

Now, lets say I eat a bowl of oatmeal every morning for the next 40 years of my life. My flimsy math reveals that I will have eaten nearly 3000 pounds of dry oats.

Better get a BIG pitchfork.


  1. Here's the bugger of it, darling: you can eat oatmeal til the cows come home and while you NEED a healthy diet in order to MAINTAIN a good level of cholesterol in your diet, it's not going to come down much if it's already up there. Best to get those magic pills they prescribe and then you need to suffer less and monitor less. We went through this with the love of my life. We put him on a low-fat, high-fiber diet, and he ate so many high-fiber vegetables that he thought he was a horse. Plus he farted incessantly. His cholesterol count didn't MOVE. Then he got, "DA PILLS". Two months later he was F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S!!!! I'm not a pill pusher in general, but if your life is a stake and I don't advocate heart attacks, this one is a no-brainer!

  2. Doc says diet first. I gotta poop

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  4. They always say diet first. I think it's because they assume you don't eat right ... so get you on the right track, THEN fix you with medication. Bleh to them!

  5. I don't eat right.

    I'm not huge. I like cheeseburgers.

  6. you can get oatmeal-with dried fruits and nuts--at a drive thru window. Starbucks. It'll cost a mint, and there's no movie themed toy . . . .

  7. Well for a break from oatmeal u can always try diamond shapped shreddies.

    Good luck,


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