Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Making up for hemorrhoids.

Now I know for sure that my husband hasn't bought me enough jewelry. I'm long overdue on at least three impressive pieces of jewelry with acceptable but not ostentatious carat weights.

By the way, happy Mother's Day. Did your significant other spring for two million dollar engraved earrings upon the birth of his children like Marc Anthony did for J-Lo?

Mine either. I didn't know he was supposed to. I've been gypped. Sure, I received a crying pooping miracle but I didn't get anything that could be appraised.

This new fad, apparently not started by a diamond marketer, is called a Push Present. As in, you give excruciating and body disfiguring birth and by gum, you deserve a big rock with the proper sentiment attached. A rock that shows that your body has served one of it's biological functions in a grand and sacrificing fashion. A rock that lasts longer than your container of Tucks pads.

Because, you've been through a life changing event and need consolation. Frankly, I just needed sleep.

I want to take this jewelry gifting fad a bit further. I want to be given a little shiny every month, when I manage to menstruate, especially when I'm not trying to conceive babies. Of course, menstruating doesn't warrant a two mil a month, but maybe an add a pearl strand would be appropriate to celebrate riding cotton, or a theme appropriate charm bracelet.

Or at the very least some glitter stickers on a chart.

Since I've been sterilized there should be jewelry marking that occasion. A lapel pin or a dinner ring. Something you could spot from across a dark smoky room.

Menopause too. I'm ending my fertility. I need a gold watch.

Step it up Justin. My jewelry box doesn't weigh enough.

Justin? Well what about Justin? He doesn't get a present for performing his reproductive biological functions and to be fair, I think he should. He wouldn't get excited about an add a pearl necklace but I might be able to build his self esteem with his own sticker chart. Every time he offers up his genes I can pop a smiley face sticker. Get enough stickers and then he gets his choice of movie in the full price DVD rack and not the discount bin!

Oh, and the present for having a vasectomy even if I am sterilized? Kick ass tiger eye pinkie ring. Manly.

You know what I asked my husband to buy me after the birth of our children not knowing I was supposed to ask for jewelry?

Stool softeners.

And them babies are shiny for sure.

1 comment:

  1. Push Presesnts. Bah. I really had my kids in the wrong decade. Who are they having the kids FOR? Aside from that, the majority of these women are drugged and stunned to the point where they're not feeling anything anyway. Or, they're entirely unconscious. They're not actually PUSHING, are they?

    Now me? I actually pushed. GIMME MY BLING. Someone owes me something, dammit.


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