Friday, May 08, 2009

Suck it up.

The Empress of Electrolux, my mother, is coming over this evening.

Wherein I will cause her death.

Don't act so shocked. I'm not nursing violent tendencies toward my mother. I'm not nursing any violent tendencies now that Dubya is out of office. Those years were getting dicey there for a while. My mother going to keel over from shock and indignation from something I did.

No, I didn't pierce or tattoo anything. Or sleep with a senator.

I vacuumed my lawn.

And not with an industrial vacuum either. I vacuumed it with my 12 amp, carpet height adjustable, upright Kenmore. For a woman who loves vacuuming, who actively persues a relationship with her vacuum several times a day, who has beautiful pristine carpet, the thought of that is going to end existence as my mother knows it.

I feel bad about it but I don't know that there was anything else to be done. I don't normally vacuum my lawn. There were extenuating circumstances.

Wednesday's weather was lovely and my muscles were achy from whine flu. It seemed like a good idea to go out in my backyard and read in the sunshine, letting nature work heat into my bones instead of sucking down 90 proof flu medication. Sobriety is awesome. So I moved my patio set into the patch of sun the lawn, sat back in the chair, put my feet up on the other chair, laid my book on the table and worked my way into the plot.

Right as I got to the climax of the euphemism laden sex scene a sudden burst of violent heaving wind swept into my backyard and inexplicably caused the glass top of my table to burst into a zillion razor sharp shards.

That's how turgid my table was...dayum.

Freaky, right? It's a good thing that my feet were up because otherwise I'd be writing this post with shredded Hamburger Helper feet.

Getting up most of the glass with a hand shovel took a while but it wasn't working for the bits that had worked their way into my lawn. The danger of Hamburger Helper feet was still imminent.

So I consulted my little sister, who is also showing up this evening, and she told me that a good way to get myself a new vacuum would be to vacuum up glass and lawn clippings with the old one. Do you know that she was a hardcore Christmas snoop growing up? She knows how to get the goods.

The Kenmore was sturdy enough, and I might have to spring for a vacuum anyway, so why not? Out it went. Within minutes I'd sucked up the rest of the glass with hose attachment, carefully gleaning between each blade and dandelion.

My grass is beautiful and pristine.

The Kenmore is also beautiful and pristine. No worse for wear.

Which is a shame because when my Mom reads this post later and gives up the ghost, her Electrolux, and her title, will go to a member of the family that needs a vacuum and not me.

I call her last dozen cans of Aquanet.


  1. Wow, i am not related to that kids next door, i might however be related to u, lol

    I used our vacuum to clean-up the shaddered glass from our table top too! There really wasnt another way to do it. However, u will continue to find glass in the grass for an extended period of time. So get everyone to wear shoes when they are outside.

    Have fun with your mother afterall, its her day and yours for that matter, on sunday.

    Erf (whose grass is getting longer)

  2. Too bad you won't get a new vacuum. I LOVE new vacuums. I somehow go through them quite quickly, and if you tell me I am just like Mom I will have to kick your ass. You know that I can and I will!

  3. I've never heard of vacuuming a lawn before but I guess it sort of worked. I also think Erf is right and there likely are still shards out there just waiting for tender un-shod feet. And it is kind of nice to read that at least one of your Mom's daughters is much like her. (I probably can say that safely as Jill doesn't know where I live.)


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