Monday, June 22, 2009

Get yer red hots!

Before I get to the smooth creamy Oreo center of my post, happy Fathers Day to all.

Besides, I've eaten the fudgy cookie outsides. It's all in my teeth. Onwards!

Since testing showed that my cholesterol is slightly elevated, and learning that it's all related to hormones and insulins and this goatee I've been shaving off daily, I've tried to be mindful of eating less and moving more.

I don't wear elastic waist pants but apparently that means exactly nothing and I should still eat proper and not sit around on my butt. This is not fair.

This past couple weeks I've been a bad girl about it food-wise. Vegas is full of delicious butter laden food and gallons of drinks in obnoxious containers. However, I feel I walked most of that off on the trip. The only places to sit to rest in Vegas are in front of slot machines or in front of menus. You stay upright or else.

Walking ain't half bad of a way to move more. I attempted to do some walking yesterday. Headphones got stuffed into my ears, I put on my shorts, I hooked my water bottle around my waist and up I went to a beautiful desert trail system above my town.

A half mile in a thunderstorm came on fast, and since I was the tallest object for miles I thought it was a good idea to turn around and move more in the direction of my vehicle. Lightning doesn't care if you wear fly front pants or not.

Suddenly I want toast. Crispy buttered toast. This oatmeal I'm eating is not toast.

It's when I was safely in my van that my legs ballooned into two long itchy red welts apiece. Something floating around in all that natural desert air I guess. In the three minutes it took me to get home I was in a tearful mess of itchy agony and my legs were the shade of ketchup.

Had I worn long pants I might have avoided a reaction altogether...or I would have split them open Hulk style. Oatmeal smash.

Relief came in the tub with a bar of ivory soap and a vinegar rinse though it took the whole day before the swelling and redness went away. I can't say if the red was any improvement on my usual turkey cold cut pastiness. You can stay with the image of me soaping up. I don't mind.

Suddenly I want cranberry sauce...on stuffing. Hot sagey buttery stuffing. Oatmeal is not stuffing.

What was a real hoot was that my mommy badges, the stretch marks I was ever so lucky to develop high on my thighs, got so swollen that they looked like I should buy a hot dog cart and set up business on the street corner in front of the liquor store.

Even this morning they are still looking a bit Vienna Sausage like.

No, I don't suddenly want a Vienna Sausage.

Because I've finished my oatmeal. I'm full. Time for a walk.


  1. You didnt get bitten by some dessert creature did you? I hope your legs get better. Maybe its time to invest in a treadmill so u can stay inside and walk. We have one but i rarely use it, as suspected before we even bought it.


  2. Wow .... grateful it didn't affect your breathing. And cool that you know the "vinegar" trick. EVERYONE I know says ... "ew". However my mother taught me that and it's great for all that ails ya. Too many people think that it's going to sting. But it's great, isn't it? We use it for sunburn. Takes the sting right out!

    Glad you're feeling better.

  3. Me & my cholesterol hear ya loud 'n' clear *sigh* ... porridge every morning ... it's a form of torture ...

  4. How unfair is it that I am fat and outrageously healthy, and you are skinny and have high cholesterol? Makes you almost start to question the whole fat=unhealthy skinny=healthy crap that the media is pushing and the scientific studies are failing to support. Almost.


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