Thursday, June 18, 2009

Got grass?

My lawn needs mowing.

Because when it rains about every day for the past two weeks the stuff is bound to grow as fast as Grandpa's nose hairs and look about as inviting.

Why Grandpa, what long nose hairs you have! All the better to eat you with.

That's water in the desert for you. It's like Mark McGwire and a juicy steroid injection.

I wouldn't mind losing a neighbor child or two in my backyard jungle. That's one of the upsides of not maintaining the yard. One of them keeps ringing my doorbell and running off. But then, I waited in the middle of the street until he popped his head out of his hidey-hole and that's when I threatened to cut off his ringing finger with my kitchen scissors. He hasn't ding dong ditched since.

There has got to be a way to make lawn mowing a more exciting event. I'm looking for another upside to maintaining the yard.

I'm not mowing the lawn naked. You were thinking it. Perverts.

At least not top naked. Going pantsless is a consideration. I hate it when I get grass stains on my pants.

You say, "Why don't you have that 15 year old child of yours mow it?"

Pantsless? You gotta be kiddin' me.


  1. Why don't you make that 15-year-old child of yours do it?

    Ok, not painless but at least it gives you something to do.


  2. You might point out to him that it would be easier to mow the lawn that it was to clean his shower. I don't know what good that would do, but it might confuse him. Then you could ask him if he wants to be allowed to go anyplace over the next week, other than the backyard. Maybe he would get the hint?

    Nah, I forgot there that you are dealing with a teenager. Good luck!

  3. Do what I do and randomly throw rodents in the grass.

    * rodents not included


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