Wednesday, July 29, 2009

An open letter to Glenn Beck.

Glenn,

When I was discussing a new running gag for this blog two weeks ago with my husband I never thought I'd be led in your direction. If there was anything or anyone leading me in your direction I expected that to happen with a great deal of kicking and screaming. Yet, here I be, willingly writing to you, with my legs crossed and nary a sound past the comforting drone of Jon Stewart.

I see you and your haircut in the media quite a lot lately. A couple whines, a patriotic ejaculation or two, a few tears, and my home state of Utah is in like Flint. My people love you! There is something to be said about that. My people don't love me. They kicked my family out of the state because my school teacher husband didn't feel qualified to coach a high school sport. Even Model U.N. Interview after interview questioned his masculinity and purpose in life. We bought some sunscreen and some huarache sandals and moved across the border where life is considerably more booster club free.

The open container law is quite liberal in my little corner of Nevada. Ask anyone in Salt Lake City.

Last I was in Utah I visited a beautiful shrine to capitalism called "Sam's Club". Stores like that don't exist in my town. Our shrines are called "casinos". It was in this non-neon retail establishment that I was able to buy a five gallon container of sliced dill pickles and drive over 100 miles to get it home. (I have hobbies. Don't ask.) Between pallets of detergent, socks in bulk, foam mattresses and family size packages of incontinence pants, I happened upon a full section of books written by you! Or written by your haircut. Benefit of the doubt.

Now, I've never written a book. Certainly if I had I wouldn't want someone doing to my book what I considered doing to yours. We aren't talking anything destructive here. That would be rude and just possibly illegal. It was only a little playful and reversible mislabeling.

Unfortunately my husband (who does write books, including this fabulous tome) didn't have any post-it notes in his pockets. His profession requires that he keep office supplies of some sort conveniently stashed on his person. Needless to say, I was a little bit bummed to have not passively aggressively renamed every copy of your "Glenn Beck's Common Sense" on the shelf.

Glenn Beck's Guide to Prostate Examination

Glenn Beck's One Position Kama Sutra

Glenn Beck's Wonder Bread Cookbook

Glenn Beck's Scrapbooking Extravaganza!


My husband and I once hid all the Barney toys in Kids-R-Us, back in 1994, during those financially pleasant Clinton years. There was a principle involved with Barney. With your book it just seemed so sensible at the time to remove common sense entirely. I love you...you love me...right? Right!

I admit I haven't put forth the effort to read the book I wanted to temporarily edit. My apologies for my ignorance. Someone back in my 'hood will have a copy I can borrow and then a proper review can be done. A friend did just lend me a David Sedaris book that I found most enlightening. There is a story in it entitled "Dinah the Christmas Whore" that didn't need any editing whatsoever. Genius.

So, my apologies for my intentions Glenn. Please forgive me. I've lusted in my heart.

Love,

Becky..The Absent Minded Housewife

8 comments:

  1. Not too long ago, my parents-in-law invited my husband and I to a Family Night screening of Glenn Beck's video. (We enthusiastically declined)

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  2. I didn't mean to leave that anonymously--

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  3. I am sure that even his haircut could spell better than me.

    Congrads to Justin on the book. I hope he sells lots so u can take his money and go shopping at Sam's Club again! He doesnt really have to go as long as he gives u his money, eh!

    Erf

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  4. We're kindred spirits.

    This reminds me of last October when I learned that a thick Stephen King novel can effectively obscure two or three books about Sarah Palin. I never thought about hiding one behind the gallon jars of pickles, though.

    And I only have to drive 10 miles.

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  5. Thank you for giving me the idea of burying Glenn Beck's book under the stacks at Barnes and Noble.

    You and your husband are a great couple. Blowing off steam by hiding Barney(s) is very cool.

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  6. Glenn Beck is a syndicated conservative radio talk show host in the same vein as Rush Limbaugh.

    Glenn has recently asserted that our president is a racist.

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  7. Glenn Beck - he's the latest Fox retard ,right?

    (I'm from the UK so it's hard to keep up)

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