Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Post-pubescence.

I don't know how to reconcile myself with this new truth in my life.

This new identity.

My new self can be found on this hormone roller coaster I've been on for a while now. Pre-medicated this has had all the craptacular symptoms that one would associate with spit roasting a leg of lamb. Post-medicated I've left the coaster for a 3 day mexican cruise. This cruise ship has recently developed a symptom I've found a bit of wonder in.

I have breasts.

In my old life, unless I was pregnant or breastfeeding, I had no bumps under my shirt that weren't produced by a padded bra. There was no choice but to accept, nay love, my lack of anatomy. Didn't want a boob job. Didn't need one.

All things to those that wait? I guess. These puppies are getting in my way while I type. Watch reaching for that backspace key. Chestquake!

I now require a bra that can claim functionality.

Here is something I've discovered now that I'm getting fleshy. Taking that functional bra off? It's heaven. It's glorious. It's like discovering Jesus at a professional wrestling match. And J-Rock is kickin' ass. The bliss of unwrangling the double hooks and letting the elastic loosen can only be matched by savoring that first bite of excellent chocolate or sipping freshly brewed gourmet coffee. Sliced white bread can't compete.

Here is something else I've discovered now that I'm getting fleshy. You wanna put that bra back on as soon as the bliss is over. Tape 'em up. Use ropes. Something. The puppies begin yapping and whining if they are let loose too long.

Then, the next thing you know, chestquake! Wasn't Shelley Winters in that movie? Google that.

Along with developing chesticles I've also developed a tummy. I am so so so less excited about tummy-quake.

So I've supported it with huge and functional underwear. Thank you hormone pill.

Taking that functional underwear off? Not something I'm going to compare with eating chocolate.

5 comments:

  1. I've reached this post by Googling "Shelley Winters chest."

    Okay, that's not true.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You and about 40 others. I didn't realize she was so hawt.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I heard today on the radio that fewer people are going topless on the beaches in France than there used to be. Too bad. Your post just kind of reminded me of that. Ever been to France?

    ReplyDelete
  4. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
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