Monday, August 24, 2009

2 out of 3 dentists recommend sniffing whiteboard markers.

My four year old whiner is sitting on my lap, as I type, faking inconsolibility, because he too wants to go to the first day of school. The other two children have recommenced stuffing their brains with knowledge away from my home to my great relief.

I have not allowed the four year old to sit on my lap wearing his spiderman backpack which is stuffed full of all the essentials he thinks he needs for school. His singing spiderman. His spiderman car. His spiderman winter hat and his red halloween cape with spider webs stitched on it. There ain't no room on my lap for those kinds of superpower shenanigans.

That cape would either make him the most popular kid in class or he'll come home with a wedgie so tight he can't blink. It would depend on how well he pulls a spiderman pose maybe.

Or he could give his classmates money.

When you admit to being glad that your children are back in school some people find your mothering atrocious and just an all out affront to humanity. Children are precious. Have precious moments with them, even when they are acting like hoda-beasts. This time will be gone so fast!

What's this pressure to feel sad or wistful about another year of their growing up? My kids are growing up! Yay! Isn't the game won when you shove them out of the house and they get to fend for themselves? Isn't another first day of school like passing Go and getting your 200 bucks? Isn't this just another step to them someday providing me with grandkids where the goal is to feed those hoda-beasts as much junk food as possible and then not have to get up with them in the night when they puke because you've sent them home?

Admittedly it would be pleasant to skip the whole puberty thing but I won't feign some kind of feeling that parenthood should be a journey full of constant wonder and Hallmark card joy.

I like my kids and I'm glad they are back in school so I can use my bathroom with the door open because it looks out directly onto my bedroom television.

There's the precious wonder, right there. Morning news shows on the john.


  1. Aint my wife lucky, we dont have a TV in our bedroom :))

    I hope your kids enjoy themselves at school.


  2. You've got the right attitude. The goal is to get them the hell out. I couldn't wait to give my son the boot and am counting the years until the princess is off to college as well. Those parents that still have their kids living with them at 23 years old don't realize they did something WRONG. The kid should WANT to leave. Work to leave. Be independent. Not have mommy still doing their laundry and paying their car insurance.

  3. Holy freakin' crap! Amen and AMEN!

  4. Absolutely! Plus, the food in my house lasts a little longer. Summer is expensive. Ravenous appetites is one of the ways that puberty sucks!

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  6. Dear Author !
    Between us speaking, in my opinion, it is obvious. You did not try to look in

  7. signed to your rss

  8. I want to quote your post in my blog. It can?
    And you et an account on Twitter?

  9. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  10. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.


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