Tuesday, September 22, 2009

I don't have any drapes. I have blinds.

I used to have impractical white linoleum. Which never stayed white. It stayed a greasy shade of three boy child gray. In a fit of rage and a with a twinge of nausea, I took a utility knife and a crowbar to my kitchen linoleum and kicked it's ass.

Kill kill kill...die die die.

A year of living on a cement slab later, I has the beautiful. Still dusty in this photo, but beautiful. Thanks Ma, I did it myself.

Yesterday, in a fit rage and a feeling of constipation, I began tearing up my impractical beige carpet.

Which was an experience in nasty that I hadn't expected.

You think you've got clean carpeting. You vacuum regularly. You wash it. You take your little green clean machine to it when the cat hurls on it. What you find out as you knife the hell out of it is that you've been living on an infestation of dust, must and dead ants.

My whole family rolls around on the floor on top of that. Charming.

Near the other end of the room where I haven't removed the carpet yet is a spot, that for a reason that is currently indiscernible to me, my cat loves. He rubs himself on this spot with a look on his face that must be censored in front of the children. A well placed end table has discouraged my cat's little carpet fetish and has left him frustrated. What's under that bit of carpet you think? I'll let you know.

Besides that, what's under the spot of carpet that sounds crinkly? It used to sound crunchy but we've been living in this house for near nine years and traffic has reduced the sound effects. Is it super-ant? We'll find out.

I'm sexier when I wear a dust mask.

Chocolate brown carpet, here I come.


  1. Iiiiiiii am now feeling a little green. Ew.

  2. That is the exact same lino I lived with for ten years ... and boy, was I glad to see it go *g*

    Can't wait to hear what's under the carpet, hope there's gonna be photos.

  3. OMG, OMG, yessssss,,, a woman in a dust mask, thanks for the visual!

    When u are done replacing your kitchen floor u can come and do mine. I believe the builder used tiles on it that were meant for a wall and not a floor. It has so many cracks and chips in it that it should have been replaced long ago. "She who must be obeyed without ridicule or comment" (aka Mrs Erful) just seems to find something else to do then go shopping for new kitchen tiles.


  4. We got rid of all the carpet years ago. Much cleaner and makes those pesky carpet cleaning sales calls short.

  5. I don't get carpet cleaning sales calls because I live out in the middle of nowhere. I get to rent a rug doctor and yank it around. Bonus...it scares my cat.


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