Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Not so Lemon Squeezin's.

My dumb gay cat thinks I hate him.

I don't, but no one would blame me if I did. He's a scabby disgusting mess. If my cat took human form people would assume his meth addiction was so severe that he had been forced to hang out at truck stop bathrooms offering five dollar favors.

A new cat to the neighborhood has decided my backyard is his territory and has put the beat down on my Booger. My cat tried to nonchalantly come back in the house bleeding all over my carpet and upholstery and that's when I decided that his ass was now an indoor cat.

Three days ago, right when I was sure his injuries were healing well, he developed an abscess in one of his back paws.

Growing up on the farm it wasn't unusual for the animals to develop bumps on their bodies that needed to be lanced. Lancing day was exciting for the dog. Horse shoeing day was also exciting for the dog. Those were the good snacks. That dog also munched on bumblebees if he could catch them and I'll not detail how spastic he got on horse foaling days. Anyhow, a farm gal can learn plenty of backwoods doctorin'. If I had a tail I could dock it myself easy. Next time any of you people need deworming, call me.

It wasn't long after I noticed the abscess that the thing broke on it's own. Since I dislike abscess drainage oozing itself anywhere in my house I wrangled my cat into the sink and got the hell clawed out of me flushing it out. You have to keep flushing an abscess over the next couple days to make sure the wound stays open and clean. Then, if the scab looks good and the cat is acting like it's usual dumb gay self, you can let nature take it's course. My cat has learned that it's in his interest to throw a fit every time I pick him up and I'm as meth scabby as he is.

I remember once...back on the farm...one of our cats had an abscess burst on the back porch. No one knew Barfy had this abscess and so the sheer amount of goo that was left on the concrete was almost like pondering how that five foot, 90 pound, woman that lived down the street gave birth to that eleven pound baby. Not being very old and since the dog hadn't got to it yet, I thought "puddle" and immediately jumped in it. Another thing you learn about living on a farm is that at any time you can expect to be sprayed down with a hose.

Folks, that's why I have such an amazing immune system today.

Booger is sitting at the sliding glass door whining about not being able to go outside and poop in some unsuspecting neighbor's flower bed. This is an activity that I once encouraged so I'm a little sad about it too.

But after abscess squeezing he can use his damned litter box. That's final.


  1. EEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! And I just ate. I do remember Barfy and the abcess and Pepper eating everything nasty. But I guess when you play on the manure pile for fun as a kid, you get used to all that stuff.

  2. Is this new cat to the neighourhood orange? The one that keeps attacking my blind cat, in our back yard, is orange. I wonder if he has made it to your place, yet. If he keeps attacking our defenceless cat that orange cat will soon find itself launched into space!

    I have been asking the neighbours to find out who owns that orange cat but so far no one is claiming ownership.

    Can u call the powers that be and inform them of this cat that attacks yours? Cats can be trained to go on leashes, believe it or not, and the owner of that cat that comes onto your property should deal with it and keep it from attacking other cats.


  3. Very funny post. Disgusting, but funny :)

  4. I have a bit of a cold at the moment, but I actually blew snot out of my nose when I read the part about Barfy. And I'm at work! Thanks :)

  5. You're welcome...now don't jump in it.


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