Friday, October 16, 2009

Costumes I refuse to tell you how to make this Halloween season...

Because I have ethics and standards.

Or I try to have ethics and standards.

Shuddup about the boob ad to the side.

Anyhow, this time of year I'm always asked to come up with witty and unique costume ideas and how to put together such witty ideas for less than five bucks. I enjoy this challenge. Makes me feel like MacGyver. Virile.

But...I'm not going to make your Halloween costume contest dreams come true by recommending you go as any of the following:

- Kate Gosselin, Jon Gosselin, conjoined Gosselin twins or conjoined Gosselin sextuplets. Though a half man/half woman costume made up of Jon and Kate would be amusing.

- Thriller style Michael Jackson. That's just morbid! Especially when you tote around an IV.

- Glenn Beck...or any other costume that is so mucousy. I know it's Halloween and all but lay off the constant teary oozing which can be created with unflavored gelatin. It's germy. Speaking of germy, lay off any costume with porcine qualities which represents the swine flu. You are ruining bacon's good name.

- Anything not traditionally slutty. Forget it. If you want to show T or A, or anything else Britney Spears would show, do it in an expected way. I will not engage in slutting up Dopey the Dwarf or Barbara Bush or the Dalai Lama or any of the characters on Yo Gabba Gabba (except one.)

- I know vampires are really really really popular. Let's not mix vampire traits with costumes that aren't traditionally vampire-ish. It causes cognitive dissonance. Dress as a cute kitty...don't dress as a cute kitty vampire. Dress as a pirate...don't dress as a pirate vampire. This includes all the slutty costume no-no's above.

- David Letterman...specifically, don't dress in a long double breasted overcoat with nothing underneath except cutouts of David Letterman's face over your bits. The man's sorry enough for his crude behavior, alrighty?

If you planned to go out on Halloween in any of the above, I'm sorry I couldn't help you with the design.

Me? I'm putting the usual sheet over my head and calling it good.


  1. How about a Tim Horton's coffee cup or a donut costume? They are using those costumes in a tv ad here.

    Enjoy your trick or treating and save some treats for me!

    Erf (needs his sugar intake)

  2. How about being the octomom? Buy 8 cheap plasic (dollarstore) dolls and attach them to your clothes with velcro baby carriers. All you need then is lots of lipstick. I bet it can be done for under $10;-)

  3. LOL. hows about a slutty vampire gosselin thriller mix with letterman faces on the bits? I'd almost buy one of those. :P

    Give me your e-mail and I'll send you some pics of the cheap, but cool, costumes we saw last year.


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