Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Growl Hiss Spit

So...

...yeah...

My hormones are off again.

Have you noticed?

I SAID, HAVE YOU NOTICED???

Dammit. That's not directed at you. Of course not. It couldn't be because my reactions to things have no basis in anything rational until approximately 4 PM. That's when Oh-pur is on.

This time around I'm not only sporting a lucious beard but I'm enjoying abrupt fits of anxiety. What, me worry? Yes, me worry, about things that only marginally matter and about people who are obvously suffering from chronic and debilitating nipple high constipation. Doom and gloom racing amusement park ride worry.

No offense to those who actually suffer from constipation. If I could take away your condition and bestow it upon those who are so miserably and figuratively backed up I would. Ultimately that may make my anxiety worse in the end but it would feel pretty good at the time.

Ohhhh...I'm holding myself back from making a tangent-y David Carradine joke. Guilt on top of anxiety. Not good. Not good at all.

Now I feel guilty about even mentioning I am holding myself back.

Bracket, slash, strike, bracket. There. Now you can forget that little bit of being off. More apologies.

Because Oh-pur and Suzanne Somers told me to I've been doing some research into upping my level of hormones via bio-identical creams and lotions. What a confusing mess that industry is! On purpose too. It's easy to sell to those mired in guilt ridden constipation and David Carradine mea culpas by using a few highlighted testimonials.

One woman proclaimed that such and such hormone cream, made from plants and not horse urine, made her feel like she was in her 30's again!

Well...poop, lady, I'm nearly 35. If this is what my 30's are supposed to feel like I want no part of it! If the point you're making is that this hormone cream takes you back twenty years I don't want any part of that either! Are you constipated? Gah!

So...I bought some.

Bring on the cougar years.

4 comments:

  1. Bring on the cougars :P

    I hope u feel better fast. Especially, for those within a stones throw of u.

    Erf (who isnt ducking cuz he is half a continent away)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hey..I'd even try the horse piss if it works. Got a link?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Good luck. I think Suzanne Somers is whacked out, but if she helps you, then it's worth it. Go for it!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'd like my 30s back-the elastic parts of them, anyway . . . .

    ReplyDelete

Absent Minded Archives