Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Skinning Cats

My dumb gay cat meowed all night long.

I'm amazed that I'm so chipper this morning considering my cat had an announcement to make every hour on the hour. It only goes to show that my progesterone cream is working because if it wasn't my cat would be a grease smear on the wall this morning.

That my husband didn't make grease smear out of the cat can only be attributed to a miracle.

One of the kids gets up in the night to use the bathroom? Meow. Meow meow meow. Meeaaaaooowwww.

The cat has to go take a crap in his litter box in the night? Meow meow meow meow MEOW MEOW!

It's raining outside? Meowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowdammitmeow.

I farted in bed? Meow um meow um meow um meow.

It's dark? MEOW. MEOW. MEOW. MEOW.

From what I read around the internets the cause of all this feline asshattery is boredom. My cat cannot figure out how to keep himself entertained all night long. He figures out how to keep himself entertained during the day well enough. He sleeps. During the night he wants everyone to know that he can't do a stinking crossword puzzle or surf the internet for porn.

Since my cat suffered a large abscess in his paw I've kept him inside. This accounts for the boredom. He's no longer allowed to go out and rub himself against shrubbery or poorly attempt to put the beat down on other cats or poorly attempt to mate with any cat that happens into area, in heat or not. I accept the blame.

So it's up to me to help with the cure and apparently this cure is to play with my cat during the day.

However, you cat advice givers, my cat has never been all that playful. He hurled on that page of his cat manual. He has his moments but otherwise if you attempt to play with him in a manner that would be acceptable to other members of his species he just looks at you like he pities the fool.

This leaves me with two methods to help relieve my cat of cabin fever so we all can get some sleep. Either my cat finds a indoor substitute to relieve sexual frustration or I can beat him.

And no...you don't get a vote in this decision.

Neither does my cat. Thank Bast.


  1. I want a vote, darn it.

    My cat attacked me last night while i tried to sleep. I get revenge by waking him during the day when he is asleep. Sometimes that works but most of the time it doesnt.

    My cat has the "pity the fool," look down to an art form. He is such a traitor though. One minute he can be bugging u for attention and while u are give him the attention that he craves he just leaves u for another house dweller. To top it off, i generally feed him and pay for all his food. Dont u think he should pay homage to the one who pays the bills and provides the food?

    Erf (who is thinking about buying a mouse to scare the cat away)

  2. Buy a Roomba .... set it to go on at random times during the day. PROBLEM SOLVED! Maybe.

    Another problem-solver might be a water-spray bottle: you meow, I spray you. Might NEVER solve the problem, but you feel vindicated. :D

  3. You might try getting another cat so they can occupy each other. Of course, then they might just decide to talk (meow, meow) all night and you would end up with two of them doing it. Another option would be his own bedroom. With a good door.


Absent Minded Archives