Monday, October 19, 2009

Will sew for some semblance of dignity...

I can't say I'm a huge fan of reality TV. If the choice came down to watching Survivor or attempting to put my entire fist up my nose the choice would be the fist, hands down. Or hand up. Whatever.

News about Dancing with the Stars or The Biggest Loser or American Idol or Wife Swap or America's Got Talent or Amazing Race or The Real Housewives of Wherever goes right over my head. Does that British nanny lady still go into people's houses to make the parents actually parent? I don't know but I have a naughty chair...yes I do.

However, I love Top Chef and Project Runway. Do not bother me on Thursday nights. I will eat your first born.

Since launching a large, shiny and life threatening mylar balloon has already been done, there are many things I'd do to make an appearance on Project Runway. Ooh, what it would be to compete! Don't want the prize though. I have no use for 100K to put a collection on the runway. The goal would be to make it to the final four and then sew up a Farrah Fawcett Charlie's Angels style polyester leisure suit so Heidi Klum can declare me out.

Sure, it was an evening gown challenge but I was just trying to think outside of the box!

What would I do to sew for Tim Gunn?

-Well, eat your first born. I already said so. Rare. With mustard.

-Have my eggs harvested to conceive Tim Gunn's fabulous baby. His firstborn, which I might also eat rare with mustard.

-I'd compete naked in an Emperor's new clothes sort of way. Find me a horse because I'm taking a ride through da village.

-I'd clone Farrah.

-I'd attend more than one Amway seminar depending on who the featured speaker was.

-I'd listen to hours upon hours of inane cartoon chattering on any number of cartoon and kid networks, up to and including Ed, Edd and Eddie and the episodes of Blues Clues hosted by Joe instead of Steve.

-I'd read every one of them Twilight novels. Some Dan Brown crap too. And some romance novels featuring heroines that knit.

This is my level of dedication folks. Gimme a dressmaker's dummy and an industrial sewing machine and I will give Tim Gunn a reason to live.

Because we don't want Mr. Gunn to hide in a box in his attic ever.


  1. I would give my eye teeth to have Tim Gunn tell me to MAKE IT WORK ... but I'd be doing something unseemly. :P

  2. And Tim Gunn just might not go for that brand of unseemliness...

  3. I am not sending you my first born. Would u settle for my second born?

    I am not a big fan of reality TV so u enjoy for me.


  4. Sorry, don't know anything about Tim Gunn. But that British Nanny? Just once I'd like to see her haul off and spank the bejesus out of one of those kids - then slap the parents upside the head and tell them to get a life! Sorry - I don't do Mondays well...I'll go now...

  5. We like hells kitchen. That character is a riot.

  6. I'm totally bothering you on Thursday nights because my 9 year old daughter is driving me f'ing insane.

    Let me know when you want me to drop her off.

  7. Send her over. She'd better not be chewy.


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