Tuesday, December 08, 2009

I know of three positions. Any more is just showing off.

A couple weeks back my husband and I were invited to a small evening gathering of his teacher coworkers.

The point of this gathering was to shed off the pre-Christmas teaching idiot teens doldrums and get completely plastered.  Such events are a novelty to me.  I grew up in the Utahiest location in Utah, which means Kool-aid was the beverage of choice, and I was too married with kid in college to manage any sort of partying. 

Growing up the culture I grew up in, it was unimaginable that teachers partied like it was 1999.  Everyone knew that teachers went home at the end of the day, ate bricks of government cheese, spot cleaned their twenty year old ties, and had one position sex with their spouses.  Teachers did not do jello-o shots.

As a suspected one position sex spouse, shedding such an image at this event became important to me.  I wasn't planning to get knackered but I did want to change my daily wardrobe from any fabric that could be described as a fleece, including my slippers.  What this meant was taking out the ironing board, pulling my favorite black cotton blouse out of the laundry and spiffing it up a bit.

Turns out that ironing wasn't the only way I was going to spiff up the shirt.  That was accomplished in a fabulous way already.

There was silver micro glitter sort of collected in the armpits of my non-housewife blouse.  In over a decade of housewifing I have never in my life pulled a clean shirt out of the basket  in the laundry room to find that fairies had magically inspected my laundry but in no way attempted to finish, fold or iron it for me.  Little twits.

Turns out that disco ball pits are the result using extra deodorant because of hot flashes and then washing my blouse with the halloween costumes.

What's the point of this story?  I had to wear a sweater and I took a photo of the social studies teacher's buttcrack after she'd downed a large amount of tequila and white russians.  I may be glittery but at least I wasn't vertically smiling.

Or mixing those two. Yark.


If you are hungover, don't listen to day 8 of my audio advent calendar.  Tastee Christmas, which is logically uncredited.

What are you doing being hungover on a Tuesday anyway?


  1. I am not hungover but my mother tried to ply me with wine last night after i fixed her computer. As for the mark on your top, welcome to my world. I think all of my shirts have some sort of stain on them, lol. I think i will start getting naked to eat so that my shirts will avoid getting stained. And no, i am not sending pics.

    Only 3 positions huh,,, u clearly need more chandeliers to hang from!


  2. So where's the picture?

  3. I want to quote your post in my blog. It can?
    And you et an account on Twitter?


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