Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Sneaky Webslinger

The jig is up...or is it gig?  It's up.  Done.  Discovered.

My preschool aged kid knows about the super awesome ultimate Spider Man themed toy I've hidden up in the high shelf of my closet near the back, behind a box of illegal fireworks, a package of pantyliners and a stack of towels.

That's what I get for hiding leftover halloween candy up there and not thinking that my kid has climbing skills.

Spiderman likes feeling fresh.

For the next nine days I have to come up with excuses as to why I'm not sharing Spiderman with him.  I could tell him the truth, that it's a Christmas present and now you've gone and ruined it.  God hates snoopers.

Or I could get creative with my excuses and offer to pay for therapy when this child gets into his 30s.

- Spiderman is hiding from you.  You tried to flush him down the toilet last week!  You don't flush the solids that are supposed to be flushed down the toilet and yet you think Spiderman needs a spa treatment!

- That's Mommy's adult Spiderman toy which requires two D batteries and thorough cleaning.

-  That's where Spiderman drinks Jager Bombs.  He's stressed.

- Shhhhh...don't bother Spiderman while he's dressing in Mommy's clothing.  What's so hard to believe about that?  He already wears that skintight spandex.  No harm in a little Fruit of the Loom bikini cut.

- If Spiderman has to listen to a reading of Fox in Socks one more time, he's going to explode!

- Spiderman's an atheist.  No Christmas for you.

- Leave him alone.  He's avoiding that naggy witch Mary Jane.  Great power, great responsibility, her ass.

- If we leave Spiderman up there long enough he'll begin to go moldy and turn into Venom.

- You can't have Spiderman, we're giving him to starving children in Africa.  That's what happens when you don't eat your broccoli.

Fine.  I'll just move the damned thing.  I'm going to stick it in the laundry room.  The kids never venture in there.

...and Spiderman can try on my bras undisturbed.


O Holy horror!  I can't tell if it's Christmas or Halloween with this uncredited version of O Holy Night on day 15 of my audio advent calendar.  Chainsaws are more melodic.


  1. "That's where Spiderman drinks Jager Bombs. He's stressed."

    I am at Barnes & Noble reading this and I just laughed so loud that I disturbed everyone around me.

    Totally worth it.

  2. "That's Mommy's adult Spiderman toy which requires two D batteries and thorough cleaning."

    My husband read that over my shoulder and demanded to know what I was reading, lol. Love it.

  3. You could also use:

    Spiderman is trying to hide from Kirsten Dunst because he's on the fence about whether she's hot or not and, really, is it worth it?

  4. tell him spiderman is jewish and he just missed hannukah.

  5. Hahahahaha...Love it...

    Whenever my kids see something for them I tell them it's for their cousins. Even at their ages they're dumb enough to believe it. Actually, I'm not sure if I should be proud of that....

  6. Holy crap.... I just listened to that. Holy CRAP.


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