Friday, December 04, 2009

They refuse to undergo gender reassignment or lobotomies, so I'm screwed.

How is it that some of you people were able to breed children with girl type anatomy and I was not?

Because, you people with female offspring can't have possibly experienced what I experienced last night.  Girls don't pull those kinds of shenanigans.  It doesn't even occur to them.  They'd rather die than do what my fifteen year old son did to my ten year old son.

Keep in mind that my ten year old is a gentle kid.  He's a boy sure.  He likes to blow things up too, but when he expresses his desire to do so he wants to make sure everyone has a blanket and hot chocolate first.

The fifteen year old would stand there with lit explosives in his hands wondering how big the boom will be when it does go off.

So while my older boy doesn't have sense enough to remove himself from possible danger he does possess enough logic to know that if your stomach is a wee bit upset from eating all the crap teenagers are compelled to eat and you're passing foul winds that passing said winds in your brother's room keeps the smell out of your own room.  If your brother is in there quietly playing video games when the bomb hits, well, all the better.

And if your mother walks into the quiet son's room to put something away and has to run back out gagging?   Cha.  Ching!

When I regained my senses and discovered that the reek was just the result of a SBD and not a clandestine dead pet I demanded my oldest spray disinfectant, change his clothing and chug some Pepto.  He was warned that farting in such a way again would result in assault charges.  As in, charges on me, because I'd beat him.

(Oh shush...I know what you've read here before.  Do as I say, not as I do.)

How I fear for my oldest son's future spouse!  The apologies start now.  I'm so sorry.  I am so so so sorry.  Know that I did try to instill a little couth into the boy. 

You parents of girls, this doesn't happen in your house, does it?

Yeah, don't ask MY parents that question.  They have four daughters.


If the above didn't make you sorry enough, day 4 of my audio advent calendar brings this lovely rendition of  Little Drummer Boy sung by Marlene Dietrich.  

Put the drumsticks down.


  1. I have 2 boys and a girl (who is the youngest) and she can clear out a room like the best of them. And she's only 6 1/2. She's her father's daughter alright..LOL

    BTW, I just started reading your blog within the last month or so. I found your link on McKnob's blog. You are hilarious girl!!

  2. Let me tell you. . delurking, also found your blog from McKnob (that sounds so dirty. .). I have 2 girls, one 2.5 and the other 4.5 and let me tell you, they rip 'em off like their dad. It smells like something crawled up in there and died! Nothing to do with gender, just with genetics, because, we all know our farts smell like "roses"! It is his side of the family, not kidding, they can clear a room and are proud of it.

    But F me sideways, so over their nasty ass farts, I'd rather eat dirt then be in a room with my husband and my two girls when they let 'em rip! (the 'em. . is from hubby, he pleaded with me to write that. . then he farted). No lie!

  3. Can't u just wait until the 15 year old starts driving and gets u in that enclose environment (the car) for a longer than expect
    period, only to let one. Good luck with that. Learn how to put down your window real fast.

    From my experice, boys tend to like it more when u can hear them not when they are SBD. That way they get to laugh at themselfs. Girls like the SBD ones so they can just leave the room afterwards and avoid any blame.



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