Monday, January 18, 2010

Guess where I wear my ear muffs?

My mother just called. She's in a chipper mood.

Why wouldn't she be? She and my dad are on a two week Caribbean cruise. She called from Acapulco to tell me that the weather was warm. Sunny. Lovely. Balmy. Equator enhanced.

I'm glad my dad refrained from purchasing and wearing a Speedo in light of that phone call.

Sure, I'm thrilled for them but it snowed here this morning. It's been damned cold for three weeks. Not just winter cold, but witches titty cold. I've worn threadbare spots over the nipple portions of all my sweaters. Maybe that vision in your head is a bit nicer than my Dad in a Speedo or maybe not. Just thought I'd put that out there for you to consider. My Dad's a furry guy. Speedo nipples. Booyah.

At least the fog rolled in this last week no matter how much more pointy the humid air has been making my nipples. It's been a dry cold and that means plenty of static electricity despite leaving the bathroom door open during showers. Every stray hair in my home has congregated on my flannel pajama pants in my sleep.

I have a cat. I wake up hairballed. Hairy speedo nipples.

The static was at such a level that other evening, when I opened the door to my fabulous mini-van in the grocery store parking lot, a zap of static electricity arced from the door and zapped my ear! I heard it, thought, "Don't tase me bro!" and then my ear went numb! All the peach fuzz that was growing on that ear promptly fell out and then stuck to my clothing.

Numb hairy speedo nipples. Disorienting.

You think Acapulco can compare to electrocution by mini-van? Or the chest colds my family is now hacking away at?

Yeah, don't answer that. Excuse me, but I have an Amish fireplace to purchase.


  1. Man, I'd die to be in a cruise right now.

  2. Bwah! I love you, AMHW!

  3. Numb hairy speedo nipples covered in ear hair.

    You sound hot.

  4. Geez, Becky, I would hate static electricity to zap your fuzzy and hairy mammary region so will offer this Helpful Hint from Skitzo Leezra: cut 1 dryer sheet into halves and place inside your bra to prevent nipple zaps. Plus, your boobs will smell laundry fresh!

  5. Gee, we just endured another January day with 60 degree weather and sunshine. I do Love El Nino weather patterns!

    Pat almost always gets zapped when she gets out of our new Toyota Prius. I don't. Do not know why her and not me. I tell her she is an electrifying woman but I don't think she really thinks so.

  6. Becky...please take your medication. I don't need to hear about our Father in a speedo.

  7. I agree with Jill. However, the limited treat count on the nipples i can deal with, and thanks for the visual :P

    Its going to warm up, eventually.


  8. so what size rack do you have backing up those nipples?

  9. so what size rack do you have backing up those nipples?

  10. Dear E. Rezek.

    The rack is size double polyester fiberfill.

    Them babies are fake with fake felt nipples, held on with clear elastic and a smirk. Novelty fun for office parties and baby showers.

    Keep on keepin' on there though!



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