Monday, January 04, 2010

Maternity Leave

Hello Routine, I missed you! How have you been? Yeah, I hear ya there, those holidays sure can be a kick in the ass. I know, I was all bound up too. I'm still using the same roll of TP that I installed last week.

Nevertheless I'm back from the overwhelming fertility I felt while visiting family in Utah County. Swear to Jeebus my ovaries went Orville Redenbacher, popping out eggs drenched in tropical oils, with nowhere to go and nothing to wear anyway. Babies everywhere! Go to the mall? Swarms of babies. Eat at a restaurant? You tip in babies. We went to a cell phone kiosk, picked up new phones and my husband and I each got a complimentary baby with unlimited texting.

The scent of baby lotion everywhere was almost obscene. I escaped just in time.

Onto the annual post Christmas quotes:

"What do you do? Bitch bitch bitch!"
- Left as a farewell by my deceased old goat father-in-laws's sister Shirley, after discussing the holidays, the weather, the flu, aging and death, and getting hardcore on the local newspaper for not delivering the daily issue right smack in the middle of the front porch in front of the door.

"Guess what BIG thing Dad got me this year?"
- Delivered excitedly and innocently by my Mom...with an unfortunate and misleading hand gesture.

"You have a Woody!"
- From me, directed at my four year old son, who wanted to show me his cousin's new Toy Story doll. No misleading hand gestures required for my family to get all giggly at this one.

"I like to wear nightgowns to bed because they ride up and my legs are bare."
- From my 85 year old mother in law, who was kind enough to gift me with pajamas with legs attached for Christmas.

"We've been your best customers alllll dayyyyy long!"
- Me again, consoling a young salesmen at the cell phone kiosk, when we assured them we only wanted our phones to make phone calls. We didn't need apps. We weren't picky about the color or the cover or the ringtone. We weren't going to have fits over pricing plans or rebates or tin foil hats. Hell, YOU pick our phones and we'll pay! Oh good, free babies...

"Kick ASS!"
- A movie patron sitting next to my husband during a showing of Sherlock Holmes, a phrase he ejaculated at least thirty times during the movie. Wish we could have kicked his...or given him a baby.

There it is, all I could remember. Happy New Years folks.

2010, another damned baby.

Edited to add: The audio advent calendar entries were courtesy of April Winchell, which I found following a long string of Wikipedia entries. Click the MP3s tab at the top of her website to enjoy more non-holiday hilarity.


  1. I really thought the 'you got a woody' was going to be your response to your mother's "Guess what BIG thing Dad got me this year?" question.

  2. Hysterical. My son had the same incident with HIS woody doll 15 years ago. "Look Mom, I got a woody" At the time, he didn't get why his family was rolling on the floor laughing.

  3. We are getting the upgrade your phone now notes. It always amazes me how much those "free" upgrades always seem to cost!

    You can keep your babies- I've been there, done that. Our local stores seem to have a surplus of them too as they, at least during the time leading up to Christmas, kept having baby sales. We didn't buy one.

  4. Happy New Year.

    Perhaps it u went to McD's there would have been even more babies.

    What kind of phone did u end up getting? I think i need a new one cuz the battery keeps falling out of mine. I dont need it for texting or apps etc, just to make emergency calls. So it sounds like the one u might have gotten would work for me too.


  5. I think I've said this before...but,

    I love you.....

    I was in such a pissy mood until I read


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