Monday, January 11, 2010

Stash n Trash

My husband and I spent Saturday morning cleaning the garage.

I found no hidden bodies, just in case you were thinking it. There have been hidden bodies in my neck of the woods. They found one nearby last week. If ever there was a place to hide bodies, my little corner of rural NV casino hell is the place. Someone must have been exceedingly lazy with their body hiding because it surprised me it was found at all. Even psychics can't find bodies out here.

What's interesting is that moments before the news announced this random body I'd filled out a questionnaire from the county's Jury Commissioner explaining why I'd be the best jury member ever. Coincidence? Karma? Maybe. I've been called to jury duty twice before. One I showed up for hoping beyond hope I'd get a free motel room in fabulous Elko, Nevada for a couple nights, but I wasn't selected. The other I got excused from because, unless it's my husband's summer vacation, it's not a good idea to take our one car 120 miles away from my family for a trial lasting more than a day.

Alright, murder and body stashing ain't funny. My garage being as dirty as it was isn't all that funny either. My garage was a haven of shame.

I'd stashed many items that maybe, someday, if I'm crafty and thrifty and creative, might have a use. This stash was nearing 5 feet tall, taking up the half of the garage that wasn't home to my one vehicle, and it was on the verge of collapse.

Example? I'd kept several 60 oz. Sam's Club bulk non-dairy creamer canisters with molded grips and handy pour lids. Almost big enough to hide a body in.

I had four of these canisters which I put away in my garage carefully washed and with a promise that someday it would be their turn to hit the powerball number in the recycling lottery. Why, they could be used in all sorts of capacities, besides storing bodies.

I could have filled them with foodstuffs that are normally sold in flimsy bags. If you are from Utah like I am, you know how important it is that you hoard plenty of foodstuffs for inclement occurrences, like nuclear war or nights that American Idol is not on TV. The canisters would be perfect for storing macaroni noodles, dry cheese powder, beef jerkey and dehydrated peas. A short water purified reconstitution later and you have a healthy meal to feed your starving family. Remember, toilet paper can be used as currency.

(The canisters would make fine pee jugs now that I think of it. Wide mouthed. Convenient.)

I could have stored small children's toys in them and then allow the children to decorate the canisters with permanent markers and stickers. However, I've thrown away all the small toys for their sheer annoyance factor and now storing them would be moot. Beyond that sort of wastefulness, permanent markers cause hallucinations and that's the last thing my children need in this house.

Cut in half, the canisters would have made fine planters and then I would only have to store the lids in my garage and reduce the five foot pile by 7 inches at least. Could use the lids for ashtrays even if I don't smoke. Someone might wanna smoke someday.

Oooh! It's a good width and size to keep next to my toilet for soaking my recyclable and washable toilet paper before I toss them in my washer! That is if I had washable toilet paper. Time for me to cut some fabric up for that purpose. Real Charmin will be used for currency.

But since I hadn't made use of my canisters in any of these ways I went ahead and threw them away. 240 ounces of limited usefulness now at the dump.

Is it healthy to drink up that much non-dairy creamer? From the above it's apparent that it's not. Permanent markers isn't the only substance causing hallucinations.

I keep drinking it up like that I'm sure someone's gonna have to stash my body.

Maybe the Jury Commissioner. This blog is my ticket out of that gig.


  1. Now that you are an experienced garage cleaner outer how about coming to my place and doing the same thing here? I've got to do that, too.

  2. Wait..I get first dibs. You can even keep anything you find. With SCM, that could be just about anything. (although I would recommend wearing gloves and protective clothing)

  3. Better check my garagae...never thought about anyone hiding dead bodies in there! However, we found a dead squirrel (that smelled like a dead person!) in there this past July...gross! Read a few of your posts. Funny stuff.

  4. You're the only one I've ever met who likes jury duty. If I ever get picked for jury duty I am telling them I'm a Nazi and everyone is guilty. Think that will get me out?


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