Wednesday, January 06, 2010

World's Largest Sour Grape

Now that the season of good will is over I can allow myself to become cantankerous. I've had my fill of warm fuzzies. My vacuum is clogged.

The grocery store is no longer stocking delicious eggnog flavored soy milk. Communists.

Which leads me on to start the new year with a list of generalized complaints and whining. Why make resolutions to better myself and the world around me when I can observe how other people should go about bettering themselves and therefore the world around me? (BTW, this post was supposed to be published yesterday, but other people's generalized complaints and whining interrupted my flow.)

Bah....


1. None of you should attempt to set or break world records by constructing giant servings of food anymore. Worlds biggest brownie sundae? So? Worlds hugest cupcake? And? Oooh a two ton vat of spaghetti bolognese? Imagine the possibilities of that one! Or don't, because it's bound to cause yeast infections. This is not why we subsidize farmers.

2. Your Igadget is not your Identity.

3. Mommyhood isn't a lifestyle and even the word makes me phlegm up. I didn't have babies so I could join the precious club of mommyhood, with all it's pastel accoutrements and stretch marks as badges of courage for the hardest job in the world and those awesome mom jeans. I had a baby because I had some damned good sex and got pregnant.

4. Before you obtain tickets to see a viewing of The Price is Right you should work on your math skills because then if you are lucky enough to come on down and then further lucky enough to end up in a showcase, you don't have to sit behind a podium with your bid and a dumb look right on the front wondering if you won when Drew announces the actual value. You can figure out the difference in your head and get to your hybrid car that much sooner. It's becoming an epidemic.

5. Bella, Edward and Jacob are not deities.


There, my contribution to world peace. Get started on this soon 'kay? Thanks!

Now to unclog the vacuum. My suction...it sucks.

3 comments:

  1. Did Bob Barker die? Have I been sleeping this whole time?

    ReplyDelete
  2. PMS??? Glad I am not at your house today!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Did the vaccuum get clogged with pine needles from the tree? I do that shit every year. Grrrr

    ReplyDelete

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