Thursday, January 14, 2010

You'll put your eye out.

I meant to write today while my son was in preschool...when I had a couple blessed hours alone in my home to fart around wearing pajama pants and drink coffee all irished up.

However, I forgot that I had agreed to volunteer at my son's preschool. Dammit.

Considering my morning, which consisted of waking in a suckass mood, continuing that suckass mood through a showing of Dr. Oz and his little vulcan ears, and reaching the suckass pinnacle of moodiness when I realized I didn't have enough time to go get some paste chicken McLumps for lunch, I was not at all pleased to remember I'd scheduled to volunteer.

Twenty one four year old germ ridden eejits. Woo. Hoo.

(Why in the world do I send my own kid into such a war zone? Oh yeah...he loves it, snot and all.)

It's OK. I'm happy I missed McLumps. This is why:

One of my son's classmates is missing his hand. Another classmate was missing her underwear today and another had missed the tiny little toilet. I'll keep to the child missing his hand. I know nothing about how stump construction is best performed surgically, if shape and aesthetics matter or what, but this boy's stump is all the more useful for how pointy it is. He was using his stump to dot glue on paper projects and mold playdoh. When the other kids washed their hands he took time to wash his his stump. Stump, it's handy?

Alright, that was bad. I'm sorry.

Anyhow, when another child who apparently woke in the same suckass mood I fell victim to this morning began tormenting the kid without a hand, it made perfect sense that this handless child pop that moody child with the point of his stump right in the eye!

Four year old stump assault...that's all it takes to lift the chunkiest of soured milk spirits. Even irished up coffee can't top that one. It's been two hours since stumpmania and I still can't stop giggling about it.

Just deserves would be if I too got assaulted for the handy joke.

That's OK though. Not a single child sneezed, coughed our had an out of control nose. I'll take a poke in the eye in gratitude for that.

Time for Oh-pur. (Oprah to you well speakin' folks.) Insert Star Trek body part reference here.


  1. Well, at least I know when I'm in Hell, I'll have someone to play with ;)

    Glad you didn't get snotted on :P

  2. You are brave to go into that arena. I think those teachers really don't get paid enough for the job they do. Now if all the parents paid an extra $100 a month it would increase her pay by $2100 a month. Don't you think that would be good?

  3. "Stump Assault" would be a great video game for the Wii.

  4. Sumpmania? Yup, right to not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars.


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