Monday, March 08, 2010

Everyone else may have put toupee' tape on their decolletage for coverage but I put mine there because the stick makes me hot.

It's been how many hours since the red carpet and I'm finally posting? Yeah. Too many. All the fashion has been piddled over already. Every single swarovski rhinestone has been inspected, reviewed and declared either delightful and chic or atrocious and nauseating.

This Oscar year I expected to be more interested. No, expected isn't the right term, I wanted to be more interested but the show turned into a snoozefest. This entire winter season has been a snoozefest. The Oscars aren't at fault. My brain is craving something, anything, new and my yearly watching of The Oscars was just more in a series of the same.

Which is kinda too bad because no one looked outright atrocious this year. Gowns fit better this year. Gowns were more colorful this year. Gowns were more classic this year.

Maybe if I wore Sarah Jessica Parker's yellow satin barrel and kicked myself in the ass I might pull myself out of the cloudy day that's lasted all winter. As it is, I'm hunched over like Miley Cyrus trying to keep herself from having a wardrobe malfunction in her too small strapless cup
Still, these ladies weren't the worst dressed. It's my pretense and my pleasure to award The Absent Minded Oscars Best and Worst...as far as I cared about them. As usual, I stick these awards on the ladies as a tuxedo is a tuxedo is a tuxedo.

One standout for worst dress. There were badly dressed, and tackily dressed, and under dressed, but any of those still looked passable. This one looked...like Barney gone homosexual.



Suddenly I want to set up the Fruit of the Loom guy in the bunch of grapes costume on a blind date. Worst dressed goes to Zoe Saldana. We see you. We sure do.

Onto best dressed...which nearly went to J-Lo. Nearly. I would have if one of the petals in the side train on her perfectly fitted gown didn't wave about every time she moved.

Best Dressed goes to Penelope Cruz.



Sigh. Perfect. Lovely against her skin.

Speaking of skin...did everyone else notice that it was fine and dandy to be seen as one's natural skin tone this year? As in, if you are the same color as mozzarella cheese, there wasn't a need to spray tan yourself fabulous?

Except for Demi Moore, whose dress matched her fake bake. It's 2010 Darlin'.

Maybe, just maybe, my natural skin tone, which is as lilac as Ms. Saldana's skirt, will be in by 2030. By then I'll be overrun by spider veins which had better be fashionable as well.

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