Monday, April 19, 2010

Raising Lazarus

Have you any of you readers and other hangers on read this?


Me either.  This one is not on my summer reading list.  I will be writing no book reports on an undead Elizabeth Bennet or a dismembered Mr. Collins.

I've read Pride and Prejudice without the zombies.  I've watched movie versions without zombies.  One version I watch whenever my mind is racing.  Something about this part:



...makes my body relax into a warm bowl of buttered Cream of Wheat.  Simple.  Satisfying.  Let's pause here and have a moment.  Ahh.

T'would be a shame if Mr. Darcy went on a brain eating rampage.  It would ruin his appeal entirely.

Would it be presumptuous of me to turn my life and therefore this blog into Absent Minded Housewife....with ZOMBIES?  That seems to be the thing.  There was a point when I thought that becoming a vampire would be a lucrative career move but in the end I didn't have any contacts or any teen angst.

Becoming a zombie could ruin my appeal entirely.

That sort of lifestyle change is as good excuse as any to get out of chores.  Zombies do not care about a clean toilet, preparing budgets, or dieting.  No one asks a zombie which fabric softener they use.  A zombie would be useless when it comes to babysitting children.  Zombies do not exclaim when there is a good sale on Hamburger Helper at the grocery store.

My husband might find my new persona challenging. Marriage to a zombie more likely than not is a practice in patience and compromise.  Anything from choosing what to watch on television to how tubes of toothpaste are shared would have to be weighed with a constant hunger for raw human flesh.  Do female zombies ovulate?  Condom use during those intimate moments seems sensible and hygenic as well as positions where you aren't facing one another. Conversation would go right down the can. 

Blogging as a zombie could get messy on my end and redundant on yours:

oashyf brains bousiausf brains oudshaobbpy brains brains  wousdf;dsaf   brains brains brains
Ooph ooph brains brains djsfhasdu brains
Mommy blog brains bouasodfh brains.

The only similarity is that my diatribes would still be absentminded.  With a little practice no one would be able to tell the difference.

Sigh...life is for the living.

...and there is better reading to be had.  Quality stuff. 

I'm thinking The Bible...WITH ZOMBIES!

4 comments:

  1. If it's any consolation, Mr Darcy isn't a zombie, just a kick-arse zombie fighter *g*
    -Chris

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  2. I actually did read it. The zombie thing was very disappointing. It was described to me as "campy" but there really wasn't much action going on for the most part, so it was basically the same story with a few slight changes to the story itself so zombies could be talked about and occasionally fought.

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  3. Wait..doesn't Jesus rise from the dead in the Bible?

    I'm pretty sure that qualifies as 'zombie.'

    I'm so going to Hell.

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  4. this is ridiculous. ZOMBIES! They are everywhere! My blogs name was inspired by zombies - in every nightmare i've had with zombies, they say "hey, (name), toss me the sharpie" before attacking named 2-legged happy meal.

    Zombies, man. Better plan a bug-out bag, the apocalypse is upon us.

    ReplyDelete

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