Tuesday, April 27, 2010

When you eat fiber cookies you expect to go like Superman and feel disappointed when you get Jimmy Olsen

See that lovely rosy glow across my collarbone? Yup, my husband played hooky from school today and we made the most of 2.5 hours without children in our home.

This "most" included hot dogs.

We ate them. It was lunchtime.

You are disgusting.

Initially my husband didn't take the day off work to eat nitrate rich meat and put a smile on my face. He scheduled the day off to have a colonoscopy. The rosy glow means that obviously didn't happen today.

Instead our insurance informed us that a colonoscopy requires pre-approving and as of Friday he was so not pre-approved yet. You know how insurance works, so Justin cancelled his appointment for the time being. He cancelled drinking a couple liters of a fluid that twists up your insides and wrings out any substance that you'd normally get rid of in 24 hours and cancelled shoving a camera up his backside. He may or may not have cancelled a sponge bath.

Justin went to the doctor because his backside was sore in the first place. That tells you all you need to know right there. What 40 year old man goes to the doctor with a sore backside unless said man is a raging hypochondriac? Or an Oxycontin addict with a new and desperate story? Otherwise normal guys do not go to doctors to get their bums inspected on a whim. Just doesn't happen. Women go yearly to get bum inspections. We scoff at the thought of being embarrassed or apprehensive about a doctor looking at our bums. Some of us ladies offer up our bums for inspections on a change in the direction of the wind.

You are not my gynecologist and again, that is disgusting.

The reason Justin's bum was sore seems to have cleared, and we think our town's freshly scrubbed new doctor didn't quite know what to do with such a common and uncouth set of symptoms, so Justin went ahead with the recommended colonoscopy even though it doesn't seem warranted now. What could it hurt? You get it done and then you don't have to have it done again for a while. Or you get it done, find tentacles growing up in there, and get them removed before they go full octopus.

Turns out that as of Saturday he was approved. Nothing changed in 24 hours. Some computer beeped on and decided that Justin was camera worthy. Dammit...giggle...yeah, dammit.

Justin is going to reschedule for summer when the heat of the season makes wringing oneself out extra fun.

...and won't there be a neato "what I did during summer vacation" home video for everyone!

Keep your pants on, stay hydrated, eat your fiber and stay tuned.

3 comments:

  1. I AM disgusting. (I hope everything turns out ok.)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Even though he is only 40 it is probably a good idea to go ahead and do the test and then he'll have it for a baseline to compare to in the future. They'll probably tell him that he doesn't need to get so well cleaned out for another ten years.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Awwhhhh, good luck to Justin i hope the doctors figure out whats wrong. At least he doesnt have to worry about a wife with no sense of humour.

    You might want to suggest he walk around de-panted. "What could it hurt?"

    Oh, and thanks for not sharing pics, I for one appreciate it.

    Erf

    ReplyDelete

Absent Minded Archives