Tuesday, May 04, 2010

You mean I don't yell out "Bingo!" when I get dealt a pair of Aces?

It's awful convenient to live in an armpit of a casino town when Texas Hold'em poker is so popular on TV. Any given time of the day is a good time to sit in a smokey room, quietly peeking at just the corners of your cards, trying not to make any gestures whatsoever, and every once in a while bothering the cocktail waitress for skunky beer.

Except for the beer bit, this is what my husband likes to do from time to time. Sometimes he gets a hardcore table where absolutely no one utters a peep and they all suck down camels...or he gets a table full of noobs and he makes a bunch of money off them.

Rarely though, there is a person with boobs at the table.

Scratch that, there are men with boobs at the table most of the time. There aren't any people of the feminine persuasion who could rightfully lay claim to the validity of their breasts.

I'm told that if I went and played poker with my husband that I could make a killing even off my A cups.

If I was sporting what several unconfirmed websites say are 36c's, I could play poker like...

...Jennifer Tilly.

...who counts the odds with her brains and shows off her cleavage just as a matter of course.  They're nice, both the brains and the boobs, so keeping both loosely slung is of benefit to everyone.

However, I'm not one for sitting at a table with a bunch of men with boobs bigger than mine, staring each other down, trying to hide buffet produced skunky beer farts with huge puffs of camels and cigars.  No one will laugh when I quip about skinny dipping in the river.  Shut up woman and don't you dare check raise.

As much TV poker as I've tried to ignore while my husband watches, I don't recall ever seeing Jennifer Tilly checking and then raising.  No one tells her to shut up either.

Oh Jennifer Tilly, you flop anticipating tart!  Why do you attract my husband so?  Sorry, dumb question, it's your strong pocket pair. 

Yes, I said it.  It isn't Jennifer's poker face.   Definitely wasn't that movie she made with Gina Gershon either.

Jennifer, I cordially invite you to Bendover to play a few hands.  All things given, you have permission to figuratively beat the pants off my husband on the felt.  Literally too, I guess, call it a birthday present.

1 comment:

  1. I wish I could put my boobs on the poker table...I would have to get a really low chair:(


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