Monday, June 07, 2010

The Order of Balls and Shaft

I did college a little backwards when I attended.  I never got the dorm experience because when I enrolled I was already married and I had already spawned.  Non-trads R us.  Most dorms don't let you move in your husband and your potty training toddler.  They don't match well with the beer fridge or the old twister mat used as a room divider.  My freshman year included the impressive feat of being able to live off campus in an apartment with a private shower.

I did get asked out a lot in college though.  I'm convinced that when I had to decline offers, anywhere as benign as coffee to as lurid as backseats, that I did so in such a way that my suitors were impressed with my aura of academia.  Dude, I'm non-traditional.  Check out my stretch marks.  Yes, I know I put out once but that doesn't increase your odds.

My dorm experiences thus far have been limited to dropping off my husband to a four week college class in Elko yesterday.  He's being comped fine campus accommodations in between semesters.  The room was clean, the bed was comfortable, and the penis and balls drawn on the outside of the door in magic marker had been nearly cleaned off completely.

It was not my comprehensive off campus college education which provided me with the ability to see this faint work of art when my husband and teenaged son bypassed it completely.  I've always had that talent.  Put that on my resume'.

I even got to check out the men's showers in these dorms.  They were clean and shower puffs were neatly lined on nearby shelves.  The showers were the only place to fill up the bathroom garbage can full of water so I could rinse off the sidewalk where my carsick middle son puked. 

Now it dawns on me.  Clean male dorms, clean showers, shower puffs, and a penis and balls drawn on the door...I've left my husband at an audition for Glee Club instead of a six credit hour writing seminar.  Fabulous.

When you're a jet you're a jet all the way...

Even more suspect.  My husband has grown a full beard and hasn't manscaped in ages.  Uh.  Oh. 

It's worrisome but I'm sure he'll find it all a learning experience.  We have phones that text now.  He can keep me updated.

On the way out of Elko we parked next to the slick and shiny tour bus of a lady politician running for some sort of federal level office.  I'm not naming names here.  All I know is that I didn't know who in the hell she was because these kinds of politicians, who are supposed to be representing me, don't ever campaign in my town in their 500K travelling dorms.

For that reason alone I considered drawing a faint penis and balls next to the "trust me" pose of herself in her pantsuit on the side of her bus.  Right near her head.  You know.

She doesn't support same sex marriage.  I looked it up.

Non-trad R that.


  1. Becky, your stories are the best, I tell ya!

  2. Gee, I knew that Justin wrote poetry but I didn't know that he was interested in singing in a glee club. See what all one can learn from reading your blog?

  3. Too bad u didnt draw on that bus ;) It was likely well guarded, right!

    Since the dorm was clean are u sure its wasnt a female dorm?

    Enjoy your time alone with your sons or maybe u can send them off to the neighbours to play.



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