Wednesday, September 15, 2010

I was disappointed that I got this sweater...I wanted a moaner or a screamer instead.

There has been a time or two in my life that I've been asked, and trust me there is an acceptable context to being asked such a thing, what I tend to behave like when I've reached the pinnacle of amorous excitement.

You know, when I Sally upon meeting Harry.  That sort of thing.  Pastrami on rye induced YES YES YES YES!

With the exception of my husband and maybe my cats it's no one's business what I do during that moment so I've pithily answered, "I belt out The Star Spangled Banner!"

I'm patriotic dammit.

Sarah Palin and the Tea Party folks ain't got nothin' on me.

Of course, if I really did belt out The Star Spangled Banner my husband would roll over defeated and disappointed because he'd know I'd faked it. 

Apparently, 80% of women have

My question about all this is where do we learn this skill, us women, and the men that do it too?  The article above cites that bored female monkeys fake it, trying to get Mr. Monkey off their backs in time to flip on Leno.  But how do us humans come by the skill...or at least believably?

(I started this post an hour ago...coincidentally my 16 year old son wanted to know about herpes.  He hasn't got herpes as far as I know.  He hasn't even held hands with a girl yet.  So into the wonderland that is how herpes is transferred.  Ain't I a responsible parent type!)

So...Star Spangled Banner....

Why not fake it with a song that holds deep feeling for most Americans?  We've given God his dues, how about country?

Are the fake moans and signs and ejaculations all the more believable because everyone is naked?  Or the important parts are naked?  Because there aren't too many of us that could make a career out of acting.  Do you have to wiggle all during?  Or fake an O face?

Besides getting it all over with, are some of us trying to impress our neighbors with our expressions of joy?  Neener neener, I can practice this procreation business with the best of them?  My lawn is so damned green and weed free!

Now, if you had more control or wherewithal during the real moment to express yourself exactly as you are feeling, what would happen really?

No, it wouldn't be The Star Spangled Banner for me.  Sorry Sarah.  I think I'd shoot rainbows out of my....

Yeah, still private....neener.

1 comment:

  1. My wife had a new sweater on yesterday. It was one of those weaved ones that grandmas wear. So I asked if she borrowed it from her mother. I am am still alive to talk about it!

    I wouldnt sing The Star Spangled Banner and I dont watch Leno. However, that pastrami on rye sangwich, with lots of mustard, sounds good.

    I guess I will stick to singing OHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhh OHHHHHhhhhhhh canada!



Absent Minded Archives