Monday, October 04, 2010

If this doesn't work, I'm resorting to electric shock dog collars.

My yard's gone all to heck.  That's Utah-ese for "hell".

Part of that is my fault.  My sprinkling system burst into lovely and unwelcome fountains at some point and we have not fixed it yet with all the other projects we've had going on around this money pit.  I tried watering grass in the desert with a hose and sprinkler but this summer was hot and any plant that was not a weed died.

The other part of that is that my house seems to be the house of choice for every annoying child in the neighborhood to hang.  To chill.  To skulk under my windows making spacey pew pew pew sound effects and shrill shrieks.

All the constant foot traffic means I cannot have a lawn worthy of Better Homes and Gardens even if I did have sprinklers that weren't impotent.

All this juvenile foot traffic also means that when my family sits down to, say, eat a meal, or watch Big Bang Theory, we are bothered by incessant doorbell ringing and door knocking by yardapes wondering if we're "done yet."

On a Saturday I can expect intrusions onto my porch no less than a dozen times during non-meal hours until sundown asking if my kids can play.

One child I've successfully trained to knock in the first place so his skills are being put to good use.  I was even less polite to him when he just opened the front door and walked in.  He smells like pee most of the time.

Still, little dude, we are eating and my kid will be out when he's done.  Now GO HOME and play with matches while you wait, mmmkay?

I'm glad that kid isn't my kid and I'm not required to love it.  There's another kid who my husband swears lacks a soul.  I don't agree that this kid lacks a soul.  I think this kid has just been fed too many chicken nuggets and is in a preservative induced stupor.

I'm not just going to sit here and just complain to the blogosphere about kids that aren't mine.  Oh no.  I have a plan.  Lucky for humanity it doesn't include sharp objects or mickeys slipped into drinkable yogurt.  Instead it's constructive.  Muahahaha, it just might work!  Even for the illiterate!

A green placard hanging off the doorknob means "Go!" and it's OK to knock.  Knock ONCE and wait and don't just walk into my house.

A red placard hanging off the doorknob means "STOP!" and DON'T KNOCK you little turd because we are having family time and my kids cannot play right now.  If you so much as tap on my door or poke your little heads near my son's bedroom windows while red means stop, you will not be allowed to play over here for a week or more.

You would think that since winter is coming that all this knocking would slow down, but you would be wrong.   All winter does is guarantee that there won't be as many flies coming into my house when the door opens yet again and my dead yard gets a pass.  Project "Knock Block" starts today, as soon as I laminate those signs.

God, if that pee kid is color blind, I just don't know what I'd be driven to.


  1. I'm in the same boat here... When did I become the kool-aid mom? Christ!

    I think I'd just go with the dog collars...

  2. You're bigger than me! At our last house, I flat out told the little shits to go home and never come back. No doubt I was labeled as the neighborhood bitch mom. Ah well, I guess you excel at what you're good at.

  3. imagine the pee-kid living next door.....welcome to my world :)


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