Wednesday, November 10, 2010

The toilet will still work but beware a frosty seat.

My family woke up this morning to a blanket of snow which everyone was thrilled with except me and my dumb gay cat Booger.

I have to refer to that cat by name now that I have three cats.  My first cat is the Dumb Gay one named Booger.  The other two are made up of a fat Asshole named Chumlee and a harping Diva named Beulah.  The Asshole and the Diva take turns kneading my butt like dough in the early morning hours.  I only mention that as an aside.  My readers and other hangers can take comfort in the knowledge that my butt has been well massaged. 

Another aside, Chumlee drools when he's feeling affectionate.  Just another detail to add to your butt kneading imagery.

Anyhow, I dislike snow.  It's evil and wrong.  You will never catch me skiing or shredding or sledding or whatever you abnormal people like to do in the snow.  There was a time, before puberty, where I enjoyed playing in the snow, but I've since matured. 

What's particularly evil and wrong about this weather is that my power company is having a planned outage today for four hours, starting and 1 pm and hopefully ending at 5. 

What you also need to know about the scope of this evil is that my entire town basically runs on electricity.  Not just the casinos, which I'm sure are going to flip the switch on some generators, but most everyone has electric heat and cooking facilities.  There are no gas lines in my corner of rural Nevada casino hell.  I don't have a fireplace. 

Thirdly, school is being released early for the power outage. 

So you tell me, what the hell am I supposed to do with the bulk of my day with no electricity, no heat, all this damned snow, a kneaded butt and my kids at home?

Maybe I'll run to the liquor store before it closes.

I'm kidding.


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