Friday, December 24, 2010

Silent Night, Holy Night.

It's 12 minutes to Christmas day and I'm taking these moments after wrapping presents in the midst of three cats to wish you and yours joy.

I found early this month that I needed a break from pushing myself to be so creative.  That sounds worse than it really is doesn't it?  There are parts of my brain that needed to slow way down and with the holidays approaching the blog got the shaft.  So did the audio advent.  Meh...wasn't as good as last year's selections anyway.

We've all been there, haven't we?  Santa needed help doing Santa's job.

I will be back to posting in the new year because I've missed the place.  Lemon Squeezins!

Insert fart joke here.

Monday, December 06, 2010

Dust Betties

The experts say that most of what makes up dust in a house is dead skin cells.

If that's the case, I'm sure I've wiped a full corpse off my furniture and knick-knacks today.  I wonder if CSI could find a fingerprint in my house with all the wiping down I've done.

You know, it never looks that dusty until you get down to dusting, really.  You only dust minimally, day to day, then suddenly you're living in a litter box.  No wonder my cats thought that the treat fairy might be summoned from the top of the fridge when I was wiping up there.  Down below the treats were already used.

Speaking of dead skin cells and corpses, enjoy Feliz Navidad sung by a Bette Davis impersonator.  Day six of my audio advent calendar is a drag.

Sunday, December 05, 2010

Danger danger!

Day five of my audio advent calendar. 

If you went on this Sleigh Ride, by Dangerwoman, expect to become motion sick.

McDonald's free wifi sucks burgers.

Saturday, December 04, 2010

I can smell Stephanie Meyer from here.

I'm sitting on the floor in a Barnes and Noble, here in the science fiction paper back section, where it's just me and a short fat kid wearing a black hoody, soaking up free wifi and the smell of literary superiority.

Yeah, all the tables in the attached Starbucks are taken up. 

I feel like I fit in just a little bit because I'm wearing loafers and a denim button down shirt.

Whoops, gotta move my feet for the people with the Cadillac sized stroller.


Anyhow, today's Christmas shopping has gone very well.  We ate and then tipped the waitress fifty percent.  No one deserved it more than she did.  Today, Orem Utah is NUTS.

Because I'm in a Utah County bookstore there is nothing more appropriate for day four of my audio advent calendar than Three Kings Rap

I got my sweet spirit on, yo.

Friday, December 03, 2010

Frickin Fracken garble Not a Fingah!

Well...I just finished typing up 30 pages of my Dad's memoirs...

(It's amazing he lived to have children at all, that toad)

...and then promptly accidentally deleted the WHOLE thing.  All that remains is the title page and a case of bench butt.

Share my frustration with this event with day 3 of my audio advent calendar, a dreary version of Silent Night by Eilert Pilarm.


Thursday, December 02, 2010


Yesterday my eleven year old son asked me what an orgasm is.

He asks all kinds of questions, that kid.  Just an hour ago he asked me what a prophet is.  The look of confusion on his face in reaction to the answers of both questions was priceless.  Bodily functions and having God yak away at you...whatchoo talkin'bout Willis?

Even more confusing is the pathways in my brain that reminded me to talk about my son's timely questions.

I was watching clips of "That's Incredible!" on YouTube.  I had planned to write a post about the wonderment that is John Davidson because he sings Santa Claus is Coming to Town for day 2 of my audio advent calendar.  Clips of "Hollywood Squares" wasn't cutting it.

You remember "That's Incredible!" don't you?

Oh, you weren't born yet.  Fine.

John Davidson, at least in the 80's, was a beautiful man with perfectly feathered hair and a smile so white you could only assume he was right with the lord.

....and there's the orgasm.  BLAMMO!  You are so welcome.

My son asked me, while watching clips, if I used to watch that.  I admitted I did.  He looked at me confused again.

Oh well.  Those dimples are a miracle aren't they?

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

You've got to know your chicken.

I don't know how I'm going to mix the concept of Karma and Hanukkah in one post but I'm going to attempt it.  Seeing that I grew up Mormon in the Utahiest location in Utah (I'm a Mo no mo') my education in the religions of the world was a bit lacking.  Hopefully I've made up for it somewhat in my 12 years of living in Nevada.

I'd like to wish the very few people I know who are Jewish a lovely Hanukkah.  I'm making note of the first day of Hanukkah and of my audio advent calendar for 2010 with a schmaltzy version of the dreidl song performed by a chicken.  All the songs on my calendar are following the same cheesy themes as last year, including any songs that may be Christian in origin.  So stay tuned.

I'd also like to wish  the very few people I know who are experiencing what went around coming around a lovely Karma.  How's that working for ya?  It's hard not to enjoy this so much but it's got my sense of justice and playground "it's not fair!" perked up right proper.  You try to live your life honest and when those who aren't playing nice get put in time out it's good to have the slide to yourself.

I'm making note of this blissful experience, which I won't detail in any way whatsoever for the curious because it's bound to come around my way, with this schmaltzy YouTube of "Bump of Chicken" by Karma.

I have no idea what the lyrics say but the titles are real convenient considering the theme I've got going here.

So, Karma and Hanukkah, it's got poultry in common.

Yeah, mixed concept fail.  Enjoy the music anyway.

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