Saturday, January 01, 2011

I didn't have to sell my body to pay for my new vacuum.

If you'll wait a moment, while I go get myself coffee, we can get on with a cozy chat about the end of this year.  It needed to end.  In many ways it was going stale.

Excuse take cream in yours?  Sure, I'll get you a cup.

(Yes, I know you're Mormon and sneaking.  I won't say anything.)

As many of you know I live in a charming little hamlet in Nevada on the Utah border.  Prime rib dinners can be eaten here for as little as ten dollars a plate.  We don't have a Walmart but we do have big shiny buildings without clocks or windows.  At any time of the year a person just like you could enter one of these buildings and come out richer than you were the day before.  Or poorer, more likely.  In any circumstance you'd smell like Marlboros as a bonus.  If you enter those shiny buildings enough it's possible to get your Marlboros comped if that's the bad habit you're into.

Some think that my husband and I spend all our free time just lounging around our casinos doing God knows what, because it's convenient, and what else is there to do in my town?  We don't lounge lizard...but then again...every great once in a while...sometimes we do.

Like, the Monday before Christmas, after spending the day shopping with the kids, when Justin puts on his Miss Cleo hat and claims he's had a premonition that if we went lounging we'd win.  He said it in the same way you'd say, "My farts smell funny." or "That Brett Favre sure looks like he's got a lot of talent."  You know, obvious, self evident.  If we go, we'll win, period.

We had 100 dollars of our Christmas budget left after battery-less gifting and some charity.  Why not see what happens?

So we sit down in a row of this type of slot machine.  This is not our video.  It's just an example.

...and we both hit a bonus round at the same time.

....and each of our bonuses totalled over 1000 dollars.  My husband's topped off at $1150 and mine at $1206. 

...and we made much ruckus.  My husband's farts smell funny!  Yes indeedy they do!

If this is how 2011 is going to be, I'll take it.  Like I said, 2010 was getting stale.


As always, my jaunt into Utah County to visit family over Christmas resulted in hilarity and awkward moments.  On the first day of the new year, quotes from the people who share my DNA.

"He always does the top!"
- My sister Lisa, describing the method in which our sister Jill and her husband Brian painted their kitchen.

"Because men like smelling their balls."
- Jill, explaining why manufacturing scented bowling balls, then giving those balls as gifts, makes any sort of sense.

"Is that a one pumper?"
- My Dad, said when my nephew was inspecting his new BB gun.  He might not shoot his eye out.  Dad followed this with, "The more you pump the further it goes!"  Good to know.

"I'd nominate her all night long."
- Justin, my husband, sharing an opinion on Angelina Jolie's Golden Globe nomination with Lisa, who is gay.  Lisa agreed wholeheartedly.  So did her partner Tanya.  Then everyone had a warm fuzzy type moment.

"He gave me these dangly ones."
- Me, describing which pair of earrings in my twice pierced ears Justin gave me for Christmas.

"They get dirty quicker!"
- My sister Jill's grandmother in law, giving her opinion on why men prefer blonds.

"Put the booger back."
- Justin.  I'd spent the car ride over the hills and through the woods with my hair up in hot rollers.  While removing the curlers Justin said I had a nose hanger which I removed.  Before I combed out the Nellie Oleson style ringlets this was his commentary on how my hair had turned out.

"It's a good thing I shaved or that would have hurt."
- Jill, upon removing the large bow that her husband placed squarely in the middle of the underside of her butt in her new western style rhinestoned jeans.

So, there it is.  Happy New Year.

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