Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Shopping with a scalpel.

I'm a person on the tall side.  I wore high heeled boots Christmas day only to find that my mother and my mother in law only came nipple high to me standing straight.  Wearing a proper bra that day ensured that the view was fantastic not that my female relatives appreciated it much.  Over the river and through the woods shouldn't be a double entendre.

Part of my Christmas to myself was the opportunity to buy clothing that has never been worn by another human being.  This can be a pleasant experience after the holidays because all the leftovers on the rack are marked down. 

For instance, my brother in law, who deals in clothing retail, was able to get me some 37" inseam jeans on discount.  Legal discount, not the five finger discount.  These jeans are not purposely torn and do not have those awful kitten whiskers painted on the crotch.

If I were really really tall those whiskers could be a roadmap of over the river and through the woods.  All roads lead to Rome, Grandma.

Usually jeans are the hard part.  This has been a difficult realty of my life since I was 11 years old.  Jeans were a breeze despite nixing the pairs my sister insisted I'd like with rhinestones on them.  No whiskers, no glittering buttcheeks.

Shirts that were long enough to cover parts of my body roadmapped by stretchmarks became an issue this shopping trip.  On average women, stretch marks are well tucked away and no one notices that wad of unsightly belly button lint.  On me these same shirts showed everyone that the glow of pregnancy certainly does NOT last.

This is not to say that I didn't find any shirts.  Most of what I found that would fit lengthwise featured collars that looked like elderly foreskins.

Look at this silly little model trying to look sexy in a cowl necked sweater.  If you clean under your collar you can keep smegma from building up which causes itching and foul odors.

...and then there's Maude.  She knew about foreskin hygiene.  She was an expert.

Like I should talk.  I grow a beard and shave it daily.

After shopping at eight higher end clothing establishments I found three acceptable V-necked sweaters.  After shopping at Walmart I found three more. 

Difference in quality?  Not much.

Yes, I prefer my sweaters circumcised because I find them aesthetically pleasing.  Don't get militant on me about that.  My sweaters look like their father and that's final.


  1. I would love to pull off the foreskin-neck look but it doesn't work on me. I don't have much of my own neck, so anything which might obscure even part of my neck results in me looking like my shoulders sprout out of my ears.

  2. I have never seen kitten whiskers on jeans. At least I dont remember seeing them. Am I missing out on anything?

    As far as the cowled neck collars on shirts go, those more often than not are warn by someone with a big head. Have you noticed that? I have a few of those collars on some of my well warn T-shirts, lol (Did I just call myself a fat head).



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