Sometimes those roads aren't real straight and sure don't point north.
Having lived here a whopping 12 years, you get to recognizing the people in your neighborhood, in your neighborhood, in your neigh-bor-hood. Oh who are the people....since these folks aren't easily recognizable as butchers, bakers or candlestick makers you give them other nicknames when they pass you in the grocery store. That's how we pass the time when there is nothing else to do and tourists have bought up all the cheap liquor.
I've got a population of 7000 to name and this is just a start.
For the life of me I cannot remember our doctor's name, even though he's given me a pap schmear, but I've christened him Dr. Huggiepants. He's got such a widdle baby face. He's adorable!
Dr. Huggiepants has been upstaged in the examination room by Nurse Hottiepants, a male nurse-practicioner who I wish had given me my pap schmear. I once went with my husband when he needed a quick pink-eye diagnosis and I got warm and flushed when Nurse Hottiepants touched Justin's eyeball. All the women I that I do know by name in this town are in agreement with this assessment, not the pinkeye, but that Nurse Hottiepants is a credit to the field of nursing.
Then there is Crazy, a parent of one of Justin's former students, whose eccentricities don't make her the least bit endearing. Justin must know her name but I don't and I don't think I'll ask him. I winked at her in the grocery store just to make her think. Such a familiar gesture kept her going for an hour at least, I know it.
Boots...Boots has since moved...but what do you call a 6 foot 3 inch drag queen/transvestite wearing custom thigh high leather boots with a 4 inch spike heel? If I had commissioned custom boots like that I'd wear them all the time too. In all admiration I can say that she had balls...and tucked them well underneath that mini-skirt.
Then there are a bunch of others which I cannot give any context to because one of them will show up to my house
So here's a shoutout to McTwat, Klown Kar, Jheri Whirl, Officer Frostbite, the guy I flip off in secret, Bissel, Mr. and Mrs Magoo, Ms. Aquanet, Methalina, Methalotta, Meth Mocha Grande, and Dinky. This town may not have a Walmart but you make living here entertaining nevertheless.
Is this when I announce my candidacy for city council? I think not.
No one's going to elect Captain Catlady.
God...I need a pap schmear.