This morning I told my five year old to keep a secret.
I was very serious about this secret and how important it was to not tell anyone until it was time to tell. No telling your teacher. No telling your best friend. No overly wet whispering in anyone's ear any part of this secret.
Of course, it couldn't have been too good of a secret if the five year old is aware of it. It's just family stuff that isn't set in stone yet. Along with a five year old's imagination, lord knows what mundane stuff can turn into.
Spiderman would feature a starring role in any sort of retelling, I hope. My kid loves Spiderman to the point of obsession and mentions of Spidey limits my kid's credibility.
You know how kids talk though. They go to school and soon enough their teachers know how often that kid's parents have sex and the exact pitch and timbre of their vocalizations or bed squeaks during the act. This along with how Daddy's farts smell like potato salad and Mommy's underpants have big holes in the bum parts.
Even my more mature 11 year old son took some delight in telling Grandma how I once found a mystery poop nugget on the family room floor. Don't know where the poop nugget came from, don't know who it belonged to, don't know how it got there and didn't know that it was poop until I sniffed it. No, didn't come out of any one of my three cats. So...so...so human.
Couldn't hush him in time. Sigh.
I know this has happened at your house too. Don't you look at me like that. You too have set your children down to review how best to wipe one's backside after a movement after vigorously washing your hands. I did not throw away the first stray poop nugget in human existence.
And you would have sniffed it too, c'mon.
The kids were threatened with bodily harm, which may or may not included any sort of disembowelment, that they should not repeat the poop nugget story at school at the very least.
Because that's blog topic material dammit.
My five year old is sure carrying a heavy burden though. Not the secret itself but the idea that it's a secret and he cannot tell yet. That's a huge responsibility at five.
Maybe I'll strengthen his resolve by supplying him with candy bars.
I'll buy new underwear for myself too.
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