Wednesday, February 02, 2011

Dethpsicable

How's yer snow?

There is no snow in Bendover Nevada.  It's as cold as a pair of penguin testicles though.  I hate snow so this works for me.  I'd rather have parts of me freeze and crumble off in an environment without that shit on the ground if I can at all help it.

So I really feel for you folks snowed in to the east.  That's my concept of hell.

Maybe you'll feel for me too when I tell you what we have here on the ground in Bendover in abundance.  It's getting so thick that shovels may be necessary before long.

This whole town, congested residents and tourists alike, are hocking up loogies and spitting them all over the damned place.  Since it's so cold they don't dry up, flake off, and blow away in the wind like one would expect.  (Which is NOT an excuse for spitting a loogie anywhere where people walk in warm weather.)  They FREEZE on contact in slimy yellow splats wherever they land.

When out and about doing my errands today I had to take special care in walking just about anywhere so I wouldn't step in someone's expectorated flu bombs, zigging and zagging about like a drunkard which didn't get me any extra notice since open containers on the streets are legal here.  There were splats all over the grocery store parking lot.  Splats all over the casino parking lot when I went in to get a tax form.  Splats dotting the elementary school parking lot like macaroni art.  Splats whetting my appetite all over the restaurant parking lot when we went to dinner, one of which my husband rudely contributed and he was admonished for.

Snot rockets ahoy.

Why snow and not this nastiness is my version of hell is a question that has no reasonable response.  Maybe if I had to dig my fabulous minivan out of snot my version of hell would shift a bit.

Didn't our mothers teach us better?  This is why we are told to keep tissues or hankies in our pockets.  Hocking loogies willy nilly is not a behavior that Miss Manners would approve of. 

LOUDLY expectorating is worse.  If you must spit please don't rev it up with that rumbling in your chest, throat and nose and then gagging in public.  Get thee to a bathroom.  Hack up with wild abandon and rapture in there.  Bonus, there is usually toilet paper to help with the clearing of your sinuses and running water to wash your bodily fluids away.  Or hack away in your vehicle and quietly dispose of your loogie in your cup holder or under your floor mat.

Can't spit there eh?  Yeah, it's much more acceptable to spit where other people have to clean up after you.  I can totally have a valid opinion on this since suffering the worst flu of my life after Christmas and it's only now that my congestion has really cleared up.

You don't feel for me do you?

Well, quit spitting Daffy, it's gross.

2 comments:

  1. Cold west of the mississippi your not a kidding. Haven't looked how cold it is yet.

    Coffee is on.

    ReplyDelete

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