Tuesday, February 08, 2011

Why I'm raising money for collagen injections.

This last summer my husband and I spent enough money in replacing our entire heating system that we felt vulnerable and a bit sore around our backsides.

This winter we've been patting ourselves in a congratulatory manner on the amount we spent because we are warm.  This is unlike last winter where our nipples threatened to freeze and fall off in a fine powdery dust.  Since the new heater actually functions our nipples are ever so supple.

Supple nipples are not free.  Supple nipples require monthly payments.

Being toasty has a price though, beyond cash or the energy tax credit, and my crusty beef jerky lips are it.

My mouth is so chapped that my husband swears he kissed a pine cone this morning.   His mouth was just as chapped as mine so all was fair in love and war.  Instead of kissing with a sloppy smacking sound we ended up sounding like the crunching of fall leaves, which wasn't as charming or as fashionable as what happens in an Eddie Bauer catalog.  No one craves warmed apple cider after a kiss like that.

By the end of this month I'm expecting to have a gaping hole where my mouth used to be because my lips are going to peel off in long leathery strips which I will promptly make into jewelry to sell on Etsy. 

If I wasn't so dehydrated I'd have issues with containing my drool now.  Gape-mouthed droolers are only good for a couple of professions, neither of which need mentioning here.

The only relief I've had has come from Nivea's "a kiss of moisture" lip balm, which has not given me any sort of recompense for mentioning their product, nor do I expect any.  Especially after the way I've used the word "supple".  I love this stuff and I might keep my lips yet.

Lips might prove more useful than my nipples in the future, ya know?

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