I am a horrible mother. I've been a horrible mother ever since my oldest child could wield a spoon and shove food into his own gaping hole instead of me having to do it for him.
That is, for the last 16 years, for six out of seven breakfasts a week about, I've given my children some form of boxed cereal which was not served in the manner in which the back of the box details. You know, with two slices of wheat toast or a warm buttered bran muffin, a teensy glass of fresh squeezed orange juice, a bowl of fruit to the side to enhance the berries already sprinkled in the bowl, and maybe an egg, sunny side up. Wholesome food served in a cheery yellow kitchen highlighted by the morning sunshine which will guide your child through the day and onward to Harvard. After breast milk there is no meal more complete or nutritious.
Mikey, he likes it, straight up. So do my kids. They don't need your stinkin' serving suggestion.
Two weeks ago I sliced a banana into my boys' cheerios and they looked at me like I'd suddenly burst into flames and declared I was the Antichrist.
Let's do some math. Say my family goes through a box of cereal a week for each kid since the age of one year old. That's 16 times 52 for the oldest...832. Next one is 11 times 52...572. Last one is 5 times 52...260. Add those all up and over the years our family has purchased 1664 boxes of cereal.
Now lets say the average box of cereal cost me three bucks...rounded up that's 5000 dollars worth of cereal.
I really think we've eaten more cereal than that but it's a good baseline.
It's not like I've necessarily purchased the kind of cereal that requires a cartoon to sell it either. My kids are not cereal picky. They'll eat bran flakes, corn flakes and shredded wheat. Sugar isn't required either. Lots of carbs and fiber is just as good as the fruity cereal that turns your milk that sickly pepto bismol vomit color. Oh, there are marshmallows in my cereal? That's just like a trip to Disneyland!
We draw the line at puffed wheat though. Who eats that shit?
My apocalyptic tendencies will return tomorrow morning when I serve two of my three children a bowl of oatmeal with nuts and dried fruit in it. I gots your four horsemen right here, who may also turn up their nose at oatmeal, which means they might not have enough energy to ride very far so I wouldn't worry about the end too much. The horsemen can bite me. I'm not their mother. I stopped at one short.
My oldest child is having coffee and a high dose of testosterone.
So why the oatmeal after such a long and strong family tradition?
Because it's good for them dammit. Eat it already. If they can serve oatmeal at McDonald's and it's good for their profit margins then it's good enough for us.
Mama wants a trip to Vegas.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
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