Monday, April 25, 2011

I now pronounce thee ball and chain

Did you hear that Prince William is getting married to this Kate chick on Friday?  It's supposed to be the wedding of the century.  At least until another wedding of the century trumps this one.

That's Lindsay Lohan's wedding, just so you couldn't guess. 

I'm happy for Prince William and Kate Middleton.  Really.  They seem hot for each other which isn't an entirely unpleasant thought, unlike some of William's ancestors.  If I was in a position to give marital advice to Kate and Wills, I'd tell them to pad the headboard well and go at it at least twice a week for longer than ten minutes at a go.  Orgasms are good for a marriage.

I'd tell them to laugh during sex because sex as an act is hilarious when you think about it.  Laugh with each other and not at each other.  Certainly don't point and laugh unless you're both pointing at the same thing and laughing.

I'd tell them that when they fight and things get tense, to try to argue naked.  Nothing diffuses anger like floppy bits all a'floppin'.   No...I can do better than that.  Argue wearing banana hammocks.  Floppy enhanced.

I'd tell them that when babies do come to take turns changing the poopy diapers.  Wet ones don't count.  Those are easy.  Take turns changing the diapers that make you wonder if your kid has been sucking down kerosene on the sly.  Highly flammable and makes the eyes water.  Too much one sided diaper changing causes resentment.

I'd tell them to not share tubes of toothpaste, bars of soap or alarm clocks.  Buy two of each.  Everyone is responsible for their own sundries and their own snooze button.

Never dutch oven one another.  That's not nice.  Doing it twice is grounds for divorce.

Don't talk babytalk to one another and don't name refer to each other's genitals with cutesy baby names.  Baby Huey does not want to come out to play.  When you treat each other like kids you shouldn't be surprised when one of you throws a fit over a broken biscuit over tea.

Let the pets sleep at the foot of the bed but never in between the two of you...that includes hamsters, gerbils, rats and chinchillas.  They just get squished.

Don't complain about one another on MySpace, Facebook, Faceparty, Twitter, Blogger, Wordpress, Livejournal, Craigslist,  on your own Wikipedia entries, Flickr, YouTube, or Adult Friend Finder.  It's just inconsiderate.

Don't poop in front of one another.  Save that mystery for the nursing home and during childbirth.

Tell the inlaws to mind their own business.

Finally, I'd tell them to never call each other any of those clever and crude sounding British slang terms in anger, no matter how smart they sound with the accent.  Twat pronounced /twæt/ is still an awful thing to call your husband.

Lindsay Lohan can just disregard all of the above for just the entertainment value of it on tabloid TV alone.  Except for the banana hammock thing.  Stay away from the goofy underpants dear.


  1. Ok a few words from experence.

    One time my husband was on my case so I took off my clothes..this stop his nasty attitude at the time.

    I know Will dad Charlas has someone put his toothpaste on his toothbrush.
    I couldn't stand be someone who can't do anything for them self.
    Coffee is on.

  2. It's too hilarious to read, but it's the truth.


Absent Minded Archives