Tuesday, May 24, 2011


Yes, I have PMS. Thank you for asking. Stand still while I smack you around some.

Actually, I wouldn't smack you around any because it would cause a lot of anxiety and a lot of guilt. As much as smacking anyone around would feel good for the time being the feelings afterward will harsh the mellow.

My hormones have me down. Sludgy. Teary. Hairy. Teary about being hairy and sludgy. And bloated.

Monthly my PMS hormones take on some sort of theme. A central thought that encapsulates all my moodiness and eats at me until day 2 of my menstrual cycle. Usually they have some place in the periphery of whatever is going on in my life at the time. Past themes have included:

- Every breath my husband takes is an annoyance.
- My teenage son's presence is going to cause me to have a seizure.
- For the love of God, why did I ever give birth to these children?
- I'm fat, I'm fat, I'm fat and I'm fat.
- If I don't go back to college and learn myself some fast talking career, I will have nothing to say for myself in my obituary.
- My neighbors are psychopaths.
- Why did I get a tubal ligation? I want to give birth to everyone's babies! I'm not a real woman.

Then my period starts, the first day clot-fest passes, and again I'm a rational human being. It's kind of a miracle that during my PMS I know I'm not rational, so I don't act on my thoughts, and that we all survive it.

This month's theme, which has been influenced by the consumption of greasy food, is "What is wrong with people? Why can't people just. Do. The. Right. Thing? Quit being selfish and slimy you assholes!"

Ironic seeing that PMS is a self interested mope-fest.

The theme has merit though. It's not just me who thinks that we live in a sea of assholes. I've seen other people ask the question about the internets and some of them are male and therefore not subject to a menstrual cycle. Still, does no one self introspect and live with some sort of integrity and dignity anymore? Because the cause of this recession, this muff-punt of an economy, the housing bubble and banks failing is assholes...greedy slimy mindless assholes. What's worse is that the victims of all this crap are assholes too and where do we go from here? The blind leading the blind. The bland leading the bland. Inflammatory for inflammatory's sake.

Yeah, not rational. Fairly ironic.

As premenstrual themes go, the lack of "there, but for the grace of god go I" is one that requires some deep thoughts and the going over of values. It's useful in it's way, in the light of rapture and volcano and tornado. What matters? What doesn't? And where do I find balance between the two when I make my way around the world?

The balance certainly isn't in having two cups of coffee and some salt water taffy for lunch. No wonder I'm bloated.

I wish this month's theme had some sort of satisfying resolution besides getting my period. My period will not provide world peace. Everyone seems frustrated and fragmented. Gets me down.

Maybe my husband will have sex with me in a half hour.

That'll help.


  1. Very introspective post. The blind leading the blind is as sad as it is true.

    PMS gives you perspective too, it is not that bad. :=)


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